Hello Again

Hi blogger world!

I’ve had people suggest that maybe I should start blogging again, and if so, why not go back to where it all began.  Besides, I’ve started a couple of other blogs, and they just fizzled, so I guess I’ll just make this one “new” again by restarting.

Five years since I last blogged here.  Wow.  How on earth do you start again from that.  How do I recap my last five years in a condensed version (for the purposes of this blog)?  I’d like to recreate this blog into something that encompasses more elements of my life than before.  I’ve learned a lot about myself over these last several years, and I know now that I’ll be learning - hopefully - until God calls me home.

As I move forward here, I’d like to include elements about how I’m trying to get healthy again, about Aphantasia (that’s a whole ‘nutha big story right there), dating again at 53, recipes, crafts, just more about me as a whole person.  In a way, the blog was always about that, but I guess I shared more of my purely spiritual thoughts about my life, and to be honest I’m not always in that place.  I wish I were, but I guess no one is always there.  I’d like to share thoughts and stories, even when I don’t have a specific scripture to tie them to, although I love that I really can usually find scripture that relates to anything I’m going through.

Whereas recapping the last five years is concerned, maybe I shouldn’t worry about that right now, and just tell my story and how it relates to what I’ve gone through as things come to mind.  I love writing, and I love sharing my experiences with others, and so I’m really glad that a few friends pushed me to do this again.  I’m excited about making this blog more about me as a whole person, because I feel like I am becoming more whole all the time, by the grace of God.

I hope you will join me as I share the things that make me happy, the struggles I have, my creative side, and sometimes how Aphantasia (I’ll have a post about that soon) relates to what’s going on in my life.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Suzanne

Live, Learn, and Share

Wow, I can't believe it's been two years since my last post.  Quite a lot has happened in two years.  I'm divorced again.  Second time.  I never thought I'd type or speak those words.  One thing I've certainly learned in life though, is to never say never.  I won't go into detail right now about why I'm divorced again.  It's just a part of my life.  What I will say is that being divorced twice has held me back from something I know I'm called to do.

It's been ten years since I first trusted God enough to accept His will without (yeah right...ok...well, with less) questioning.  God has taught me an awful lot in those last ten years, but as humans will often do, I keep making mistakes even when I know what He wants from me.  I keep struggling to fight this battle on my own, when I know in my heart that God has already won the war!  When He said "It is finished", he meant it.    He had fought the fight for us, and He had won.  So I just need to learn to trust him more, and get on with the living He wants me to do.

I've been feeling called to teach, probably for my entire life, but recently I've started back to college in an effort to get a teaching degree.  I've been struggling with exactly what it is I'm supposed to teach.  This morning it hit me, seemingly from out of nowhere (though it's been in the back of my mind for a long time).  I need to be teaching by sharing my testimony, and by sharing the Word of God.  It's funny to me that the teacher is the one who seems to need the most teaching, but I believe that God knows what He's doing and for some reason He's chosen me.

God has chosen you too, if you have accepted His Son Jesus Christ into your heart!  All who know and trust Him ought to be sharing Him with others.  Here's a hint about life too; if you haven't figured out what your purpose is, the following verses will tell you!  In the Book of Matthew, when Christ is questioned about which is the greatest commandment, His answer is this:

Matthew 22:36-40

New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

And if we truly love God, and we love our neighbors, we ought to all be teaching about Him and sharing what He's done in our lives, right?  Obviously, we need to be careful about what we teach, and that caution is taken by continuing to truly seek God every day, praying without ceasing, and asking The Holy Spirit within us to give us the right words to say.

What has God done for you?  What is God doing right now for you?  Get out there and share!

Suzanne  :) 

Trying...

I always have a tendency to clam up and not talk to anyone outside of close family members when I'm having a rough time. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I don't want to be a bummer. Problem is that shuts me off from contact with others, and that's something I desperately need right now. So, this isn't going to be one of those "Happy happy! Joy joy!" kinds of posts, sorry to say.

As long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety. My mother said I was fearful even as a very small child. Then, at one point, the anxiety took such control over me that I finally had to give up. That's when I learned what it meant to "let go and let God" as so many say. Letting go was the hardest, and the easiest thing I've ever done. And I am not sure if I could tell anyone else how to do it either, other than to say that you just have to truly give up on trying to do it on your own.

Now, I can't say that anxiety is gone from my life...IF only... But I can say that anxiety has far less control over me than it used to have. Even when my anxiety is high now, I can usually calm myself down easier, and it never seems to be as high as it used to be. Thank God!!!!

There's one major problem. When I came to grips with my old "friend" anxiety, that's when my new "friend" reared his ugly head. My new "friend" is depression. I guess I had known depression before, but for the last ten years or so, it's been prevalent in my life more often than not. I try hard to use the tools I know will help pull me out of the miry pit that pulls me down into it so often, but sometimes I just can't seem to get out.

The tools I use seem to be out of my grasp sometimes. One of them is just getting dressed and brushing my hair. Some others are exercise, sunlight, and talking to/helping other people. Certain things right now are making most of these even harder to do, not that any of them are easy for me to do anyway during times of depression.

The excessive heat we are currently experiencing here, combined with almost incessant hot flashes is making all of my usual tools more difficult to utilize. Going outside in this heat (100+ temps every day for 3 weeks, and no end in sight) sometimes makes me feel like I could literally pass out! And even with the air conditioner running full blast all day, exercising can lead to overheating fast.

I'm also unemployed, and can't even seem to get an interview. I apply online for any job that I think I might possibly be able to do, and I'd even consider a job in fast food at this point, if I thought I could stand on my feet all day. I'd apply for a call center job again, if I thought I could do that job without being pushed completely over the edge, and it might come to that point anyway if I can't find income somewhere.

So today, even though I was up way too late last night, I got up at a half decent hour. I got dressed, and I've done some dishes and laundry. I'm determined to make it a better day, Lord help me!

Just do it!

Philippians 4:13

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Today, exercising was HARD! I didn't want to do it, especially once I started. Sometimes it's the getting started, but today it was the keeping going. But I did it!

Yesterday, I got a big boost to keep going (and I needed it!) from my friend Melissa who said she started her day 1 yesterday of being healthier. It's great to know that someone else is in this with me, and it's nice to hear that my doing this is helping someone else to do it too. Praise God!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to post here! When I weighed on day 7, I was down 3 lbs! Woohoo!!

Suzanne :)

Dreaming

Isaiah 61:3

New International Version (NIV)

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Today is day seven of taking better care of me. I've been focusing on God, and praying more. I have a song in my head, instead of that awful voice I had before. I exercised six out of seven days, and have been eating less too. It's been a struggle at times, even fighting off bad feelings during church yesterday evening, but overall, a great week.

This morning I had a pleasant dream. That's unusual for me. I dreamed that I had a horse in my back yard, and I also had a garden. Right next to where the horse was, there were tomatoes growing, and there were several big, ripe tomatoes growing on a tomato plant that was partially submerged at the bottom of the plant in the mud.

So, I did a bit of my own dream analyzing. I've never had much contact with horses, but when I have, I feel a special connection for some reason. Horses seem to have a way of making me slow down my thinking and I feel peaceful around them.

Gardening is also something that seems to bring about peace in me, although this year I didn't get my garden planted quite soon enough. Plus, the heat here has been terrible. So, my plants aren't producing like they should, and the plants I wanted most to produce were the tomatoes. Sadly, I've had just a few cherry tomatoes, and I've had to keep buying the regular sized ones from the store.

I think that the horse represented God, and the tomato plant is the part of me that has been suppressed. I'm beginning to feel more alive and productive, thus the tomatoes on the vine coming up out of the mud, and the horse there representing the peace I feel from God about these changes in my life.

Thank you Lord, for your overwhelming presence in my life this week. Help me Lord, to stay my focus on you.

Suzanne :)

You're Beautiful!

You're beautiful! And don't let anyone tell you differently. I don't care if you weigh 500 pounds or 88 pounds. I don't care if the world says you're too fat or too thin. You are beautiful in God's eyes! He dearly loves you.

You're beautiful! I don't care if you believe it or not. It doesn't matter if you do your best to push people away, because you don't like who you are. It doesn't matter if you intentionally sabotage your life doing things you know you shouldn't do. God loves you if you are the best person who ever lived, or the worst. He doesn't care if you are the WORST of the worst. He still sent His Son to die for you.

You're beautiful! And there isn't anything you need to change about yourself before God loves you. Not a single thing. Even if you choose to do evil things, GOD sees through that to the person He made you to be. You don't have to change anything FIRST to make Him love you. All you have to do is to believe Him and let Him reign in your life. He will make the changes as He sees fit.

You're beautiful! Don't believe the lies you hear inside your head. That's all they are, lies. Choose to believe what God knows about you.

You're beautiful!

Day Five, Feelin' More Alive! So Long, Self!

Romans 6:11

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Well, I just finished my exercise for the day. I didn't have quite as much energy as yesterday, but the point is that I did it!

I realized something this morning. I'm feeling better about myself to the point that I'm not hearing that voice in my head that tells me I'm stupid. Yay! I'm praising God and beginning to listen to him again. I'm beginning to feel that peace within again.

I found out a couple of days ago that the job I thought I'd have beginning in August may not come through. So, I'm back to looking for a job. That could've been a big hit for me emotionally. I had it in my mind that I'd have income again soon. Now, that's unsure. Instead of that being a huge letdown, because I'm focusing on God, I actually feel like I have a job to do anyway.

My job is to let God shine through me. My job is to inspire others with the inspiration He gives me. Right now I may not seem like a huge inspiration to some. I'm 46 years old, in my second marriage, morbidly obese, and unemployed. But, God sees something in me. I can feel that! I've felt it for a long time. I just haven't always embraced what He has for me.

Letting go of self and allowing God to work in me is what it's about! Thank you Father for helping me to see that. Please Lord, continue to be strong in me so that I can be a motivator for others and help others to know You better.

So long, Self!