Hello Again

Hi blogger world!

I’ve had people suggest that maybe I should start blogging again, and if so, why not go back to where it all began.  Besides, I’ve started a couple of other blogs, and they just fizzled, so I guess I’ll just make this one “new” again by restarting.

Five years since I last blogged here.  Wow.  How on earth do you start again from that.  How do I recap my last five years in a condensed version (for the purposes of this blog)?  I’d like to recreate this blog into something that encompasses more elements of my life than before.  I’ve learned a lot about myself over these last several years, and I know now that I’ll be learning - hopefully - until God calls me home.

As I move forward here, I’d like to include elements about how I’m trying to get healthy again, about Aphantasia (that’s a whole ‘nutha big story right there), dating again at 53, recipes, crafts, just more about me as a whole person.  In a way, the blog was always about that, but I guess I shared more of my purely spiritual thoughts about my life, and to be honest I’m not always in that place.  I wish I were, but I guess no one is always there.  I’d like to share thoughts and stories, even when I don’t have a specific scripture to tie them to, although I love that I really can usually find scripture that relates to anything I’m going through.

Whereas recapping the last five years is concerned, maybe I shouldn’t worry about that right now, and just tell my story and how it relates to what I’ve gone through as things come to mind.  I love writing, and I love sharing my experiences with others, and so I’m really glad that a few friends pushed me to do this again.  I’m excited about making this blog more about me as a whole person, because I feel like I am becoming more whole all the time, by the grace of God.

I hope you will join me as I share the things that make me happy, the struggles I have, my creative side, and sometimes how Aphantasia (I’ll have a post about that soon) relates to what’s going on in my life.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Suzanne

Live, Learn, and Share

Wow, I can't believe it's been two years since my last post.  Quite a lot has happened in two years.  I'm divorced again.  Second time.  I never thought I'd type or speak those words.  One thing I've certainly learned in life though, is to never say never.  I won't go into detail right now about why I'm divorced again.  It's just a part of my life.  What I will say is that being divorced twice has held me back from something I know I'm called to do.

It's been ten years since I first trusted God enough to accept His will without (yeah right...ok...well, with less) questioning.  God has taught me an awful lot in those last ten years, but as humans will often do, I keep making mistakes even when I know what He wants from me.  I keep struggling to fight this battle on my own, when I know in my heart that God has already won the war!  When He said "It is finished", he meant it.    He had fought the fight for us, and He had won.  So I just need to learn to trust him more, and get on with the living He wants me to do.

I've been feeling called to teach, probably for my entire life, but recently I've started back to college in an effort to get a teaching degree.  I've been struggling with exactly what it is I'm supposed to teach.  This morning it hit me, seemingly from out of nowhere (though it's been in the back of my mind for a long time).  I need to be teaching by sharing my testimony, and by sharing the Word of God.  It's funny to me that the teacher is the one who seems to need the most teaching, but I believe that God knows what He's doing and for some reason He's chosen me.

God has chosen you too, if you have accepted His Son Jesus Christ into your heart!  All who know and trust Him ought to be sharing Him with others.  Here's a hint about life too; if you haven't figured out what your purpose is, the following verses will tell you!  In the Book of Matthew, when Christ is questioned about which is the greatest commandment, His answer is this:

Matthew 22:36-40

New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

And if we truly love God, and we love our neighbors, we ought to all be teaching about Him and sharing what He's done in our lives, right?  Obviously, we need to be careful about what we teach, and that caution is taken by continuing to truly seek God every day, praying without ceasing, and asking The Holy Spirit within us to give us the right words to say.

What has God done for you?  What is God doing right now for you?  Get out there and share!

Suzanne  :) 

Trying...

I always have a tendency to clam up and not talk to anyone outside of close family members when I'm having a rough time. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I don't want to be a bummer. Problem is that shuts me off from contact with others, and that's something I desperately need right now. So, this isn't going to be one of those "Happy happy! Joy joy!" kinds of posts, sorry to say.

As long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety. My mother said I was fearful even as a very small child. Then, at one point, the anxiety took such control over me that I finally had to give up. That's when I learned what it meant to "let go and let God" as so many say. Letting go was the hardest, and the easiest thing I've ever done. And I am not sure if I could tell anyone else how to do it either, other than to say that you just have to truly give up on trying to do it on your own.

Now, I can't say that anxiety is gone from my life...IF only... But I can say that anxiety has far less control over me than it used to have. Even when my anxiety is high now, I can usually calm myself down easier, and it never seems to be as high as it used to be. Thank God!!!!

There's one major problem. When I came to grips with my old "friend" anxiety, that's when my new "friend" reared his ugly head. My new "friend" is depression. I guess I had known depression before, but for the last ten years or so, it's been prevalent in my life more often than not. I try hard to use the tools I know will help pull me out of the miry pit that pulls me down into it so often, but sometimes I just can't seem to get out.

The tools I use seem to be out of my grasp sometimes. One of them is just getting dressed and brushing my hair. Some others are exercise, sunlight, and talking to/helping other people. Certain things right now are making most of these even harder to do, not that any of them are easy for me to do anyway during times of depression.

The excessive heat we are currently experiencing here, combined with almost incessant hot flashes is making all of my usual tools more difficult to utilize. Going outside in this heat (100+ temps every day for 3 weeks, and no end in sight) sometimes makes me feel like I could literally pass out! And even with the air conditioner running full blast all day, exercising can lead to overheating fast.

I'm also unemployed, and can't even seem to get an interview. I apply online for any job that I think I might possibly be able to do, and I'd even consider a job in fast food at this point, if I thought I could stand on my feet all day. I'd apply for a call center job again, if I thought I could do that job without being pushed completely over the edge, and it might come to that point anyway if I can't find income somewhere.

So today, even though I was up way too late last night, I got up at a half decent hour. I got dressed, and I've done some dishes and laundry. I'm determined to make it a better day, Lord help me!

Just do it!

Philippians 4:13

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Today, exercising was HARD! I didn't want to do it, especially once I started. Sometimes it's the getting started, but today it was the keeping going. But I did it!

Yesterday, I got a big boost to keep going (and I needed it!) from my friend Melissa who said she started her day 1 yesterday of being healthier. It's great to know that someone else is in this with me, and it's nice to hear that my doing this is helping someone else to do it too. Praise God!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to post here! When I weighed on day 7, I was down 3 lbs! Woohoo!!

Suzanne :)

Dreaming

Isaiah 61:3

New International Version (NIV)

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Today is day seven of taking better care of me. I've been focusing on God, and praying more. I have a song in my head, instead of that awful voice I had before. I exercised six out of seven days, and have been eating less too. It's been a struggle at times, even fighting off bad feelings during church yesterday evening, but overall, a great week.

This morning I had a pleasant dream. That's unusual for me. I dreamed that I had a horse in my back yard, and I also had a garden. Right next to where the horse was, there were tomatoes growing, and there were several big, ripe tomatoes growing on a tomato plant that was partially submerged at the bottom of the plant in the mud.

So, I did a bit of my own dream analyzing. I've never had much contact with horses, but when I have, I feel a special connection for some reason. Horses seem to have a way of making me slow down my thinking and I feel peaceful around them.

Gardening is also something that seems to bring about peace in me, although this year I didn't get my garden planted quite soon enough. Plus, the heat here has been terrible. So, my plants aren't producing like they should, and the plants I wanted most to produce were the tomatoes. Sadly, I've had just a few cherry tomatoes, and I've had to keep buying the regular sized ones from the store.

I think that the horse represented God, and the tomato plant is the part of me that has been suppressed. I'm beginning to feel more alive and productive, thus the tomatoes on the vine coming up out of the mud, and the horse there representing the peace I feel from God about these changes in my life.

Thank you Lord, for your overwhelming presence in my life this week. Help me Lord, to stay my focus on you.

Suzanne :)

You're Beautiful!

You're beautiful! And don't let anyone tell you differently. I don't care if you weigh 500 pounds or 88 pounds. I don't care if the world says you're too fat or too thin. You are beautiful in God's eyes! He dearly loves you.

You're beautiful! I don't care if you believe it or not. It doesn't matter if you do your best to push people away, because you don't like who you are. It doesn't matter if you intentionally sabotage your life doing things you know you shouldn't do. God loves you if you are the best person who ever lived, or the worst. He doesn't care if you are the WORST of the worst. He still sent His Son to die for you.

You're beautiful! And there isn't anything you need to change about yourself before God loves you. Not a single thing. Even if you choose to do evil things, GOD sees through that to the person He made you to be. You don't have to change anything FIRST to make Him love you. All you have to do is to believe Him and let Him reign in your life. He will make the changes as He sees fit.

You're beautiful! Don't believe the lies you hear inside your head. That's all they are, lies. Choose to believe what God knows about you.

You're beautiful!

Day Five, Feelin' More Alive! So Long, Self!

Romans 6:11

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Well, I just finished my exercise for the day. I didn't have quite as much energy as yesterday, but the point is that I did it!

I realized something this morning. I'm feeling better about myself to the point that I'm not hearing that voice in my head that tells me I'm stupid. Yay! I'm praising God and beginning to listen to him again. I'm beginning to feel that peace within again.

I found out a couple of days ago that the job I thought I'd have beginning in August may not come through. So, I'm back to looking for a job. That could've been a big hit for me emotionally. I had it in my mind that I'd have income again soon. Now, that's unsure. Instead of that being a huge letdown, because I'm focusing on God, I actually feel like I have a job to do anyway.

My job is to let God shine through me. My job is to inspire others with the inspiration He gives me. Right now I may not seem like a huge inspiration to some. I'm 46 years old, in my second marriage, morbidly obese, and unemployed. But, God sees something in me. I can feel that! I've felt it for a long time. I just haven't always embraced what He has for me.

Letting go of self and allowing God to work in me is what it's about! Thank you Father for helping me to see that. Please Lord, continue to be strong in me so that I can be a motivator for others and help others to know You better.

So long, Self!

Letting Go of the Shame

Romans 8:1 (ESV)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I have a tendency to feel ashamed for things over which I had little or no control, and that's something that has to change. For one thing, I have felt ashamed about my weight, but I've realized that's not doing me ANY good. All that leads to is that I beat myself up, and then it's just a vicious circle.

Up until last week, I had never been to a water park, because I didn't want others to have to look at me in a swim suit. You know those skits you see on TV about some fat person, or the peopleofthatstore dot com pictures, the ones people like to make fun of? Well, I've been guilty in the past of making fun too, but that's just not right! I have no idea what the circumstances of that person are, and even if it were JUST that she has eaten herself into that size for no reason, that's her business. Who am I to judge? Why would others judge me? And, why do any of us consider that funny???

I would venture to say that in almost (if not all) cases where someone is morbidly obese (yes, that's me too), there are multiple reasons for it. For me, it's a combination of thyroid disease and emotional issues, among other possible reasons. It ends up being the case that I spend more and more time sitting at home in my recliner, because there are too many things I physically can't do. Well that has to end somewhere, and I don't want it ending for me at the end of my life. I want to live!

So, two times I've gone to a water park with my daughters and grandbaby. Thank you Lord for the courage to do that. Thank you for allowing me to "get over myself" enough to know that I could miss out on parts of my life I can't get back. I'm so thankful to have been able to see Em splashing around in the water, and thankful to have been able to hang out with my girls and some friends there too.

I'm also exercising every day now, and eating better. Today is day four!! And it really was easier than days two and three, and I know it will get easier still.

Next week if I make it to the water park, I plan to have someone take a picture of me. That's another way I'm choosing to live. I used to be so afraid of having my picture taken. I didn't want to see what I looked like, and I didn't think anyone else did either. Then I realized that typically when someone wants to take a picture of me, it's not for ME, it's for the people who love me. They want a record of the fact that I'm part of their lives. Why would I deny that?

Choosing to listen to God, who tells me I'm worth it, is part one. Part two is choosing to get up, exercise, and eat better. And part three is to continue getting out to do the things I can now do, until I continually am able to do more and more.

Thank you so much for my friends who have been encouraging me. Talking to you about it has given me the push I needed to keep going. I know it's only been four days, but that's about three days longer than I've been able to keep going in a very long time. Please ask me if I don't talk about exercising. The accountability helps so much!

Choosing to live,

Suzanne :)

Day Two, Into Day Three

Day two went well. I did my exercise and ate pretty well. I might've gone over my calorie count just a bit, but not by much. Exercise was painful! I will be really glad when it's not. I've been there before, so I know I can do it!

Today, I've already done my exercise again (it already didn't hurt as much!), and now I've got to get ready to go meet up with three wonderful ladies. We all used to work together, and I am so thankful that we've been able to keep in touch.

Later on today, I plan to try to put together a longer post. I've got so many things going on in my head right now that I'm having trouble deciding on what to write about next!

Have a wonderful day!

Suzanne :)

Day One of Taking Better Care of Me

Psalm 139:14

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

Over and over again, I go back to Psalm 139. It's so very special to me, because it reminds me that God knows better, who I am, than I do. He thinks I'm wonderful! So, why do I continue not to believe Him?

Why do I continue to beat myself up? Why do I tell myself I'm stupid? I'm really not sure, but even typing those words makes me feel bad about myself. I believe me, rather than believe God, when it comes to who I am. Well, just for today, I am CHOOSING to believe God, so that maybe tomorrow I can believe it for myself.

God reminds me of how intricate the workings of my body are. God reminds me of the capability to show love for others. God reminds me of the things I am good at doing. God reminds me that I am His child. God reminds me that I am wonderful.

So, I pray that God will help me to take better care of myself. Spiritually. Physically. Emotionally.

Just for today, I am choosing to exercise and hopefully that will inspire me to do it again tomorrow. I did 1 mile of Leslie Sansone's Walk DVD that I've had for years, because I know it's something I can do, even as out of shape as I am right now. Yay me! :)

Just for today,I will eat better and hopefully that will inspire me to do it again tomorrow. I plan to consume no more than 2000 calories, because that should be the amount that is needed to help me lose weight at my current weight with my height. I am 4'11" and weigh 246 lbs., morning weight, with no shoes on. I choose not to beat myself up for getting to that weight, but to do better now. Yay me! :)

One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Suzanne

New...Old...
Fresh...Stagnant...
Life...Death...
Hope...Despair...
Trust...Anxiety...
Feel...Suppress...
Good...Evil...
God...Satan...
Free...Trapped...
Save...Condemn...


Giving up the old, stagnant ways that lead to death through despair, anxiety, and suppression that is the evil of satan, who traps to condemn.

Accepting a NEW, FRESH LIFE giving HOPE to TRUST, through the ability to let oneself FEEL, a GOOD GOD who FREES through the SAVIOR.

A Time to Heal

Well, if there's anyone out there still following this blog, I'm sure you'll be shocked to see me here. It's a bit scary to be back. Quite a lot has happened in my life since I last blogged. Actually, that's an understatement...

When I last posted, I was an instructional aide for special education in middle school. I was also married, and very involved in the lives of all three of my children, including my grown child since I worked with her. I'm not sure I would've believed someone if they had told me just how different my life would be today.

I am now divorced (for all intents and purposes, over a year now..by law, only a few days ago). I work in a call center for a security company doing a job that is as un-fulfilling (most days anyway) as my job as an aide was fulfilling. My relationship with my kids is very different, since my younger two chose to stay living with their father when I left. I left because I didn't think there was any way for me to stay.

I'm sure I mentioned in my blog a few times how difficult my marriage was, but I also know that I minimized what I was going through because of my optimism that eventually things would get better, or I'd get better at dealing with it. I prayed so hard for God to change me if that was what was needed, to change him if that was it, and even to help me to keep living that way if that was His will...

I begged my ex-husband (hard to type that...) for years to go to counseling with me, so that we could figure out a way to make our marriage work. Once in a while, it would seem that I had convinced him to go...but then he would change his mind and decide not to go. When I finally felt like I'd rather die than stay in that place, I told him I just couldn't do it any more. I told him I'd be willing to go to counseling, but he'd have to be the one to set it up, since I believed that he would just back out again... I desperately hoped that he would be willing to seek help.

Two hours later, I sat across the room from him watching him begin the process of splitting our assets. He apparently had no desire to go to counseling. I didn't know what to say, what to do...

I don't remember if we told our kids that evening, or the next. I think it was that evening, but I guess that's something my memory is blocked about at the moment. We told the kids that we planned to remain "friends" (or something to that effect), and that we planned to try to make their lives as normal as possible...

I moved into an extra bedroom and started looking for a new job and new place to live. I didn't think it was possible to live on the income I had at the school. I found my current job a few weeks later, and a teacher friend rented me the home that used to belong to her parents. I moved out of our home two months after I'd made the "final decision". My life was changing in ways I never imagined possible.

During this last year and 3 months since I made the decision to leave my husband, I have lived on a roller coaster of emotions. I have battled serious bouts of depression and other health issues as well. The relationship I have with my children has changed drastically, as they didn't understand the reasons why I had to leave (partly because I had shielded them from the reasons in an attempt not to damage their relationship with their father).

One of the reasons I stopped blogging because I was afraid of rejection and judgment. I believe in my heart that I made the right decision, but since I didn't have the one reason to leave that could've possibly left me guilt free, I feared that I would've been ostracized from the blogging community I loved. Therefore, I chose to punish myself.

In the past, blogging had always helped me to heal. I hope that blogging again will bring about new healing as well.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

**Edited to add, life hasn't been all bad. Notice in the side bar, the new joy of my life, my grandbaby. :)

Time to Catch up! Oh, and some random thoughts...

Wow, right now I am doing my final duty in ISS for the year! Woohoo!

It has been quite a year and I couldn't have done it without God and prayers from His faithful servants. I honestly don't know how people can do certain jobs without guidance/peace/strength from the Holy Spirit. I definitely know that there is no way I could do my job without those things.

Last week was so incredibly difficult that I honestly wasn't sure I could force myself to come into work this week. I had kids cuss at me and disrespect me in ways that really taxed my spirit. There were two buses driving kids home from school that had windows shot out of them (and a little girl I've known her entire life had her head leaned against the bottom half of a window that had the top half shot out!). And Friday morning there was some sort of strong chemical odor in ISS that left me feeling dizzy/strange for quite a while...very scary (don't know if a kid did that or not). Needless to say, I am ready for summer!

So now I am looking forward to getting caught up on my bible study (makes me smile just to think about it), cleaning my house (doesn't make me smile quite as much), and generally having some fun time.

My youngest daughter is graduating high school on Saturday. I honestly haven't had time to fully process that in my mind, so at some point my friends/family may see me break down in tears at what that means.

My husband's paycheck is still being cut by 25% (I think I'd mentioned that before) and so we haven't been able to get K a graduation gift, or her birthday gift from April either. K isn't too happy about that. Of course, neither am I. D said he might have some extra on his paycheck today (crossing my fingers that I see a larger number in the bank account when I check it later today).

Next week things should be so much easier. Please God make it so...

God Made Me a Birthday Cake

God made me a birthday cake!! Could there be anything cooler?!?

Today is my birthday. Usually, I spend my day being sad because the people who are supposed to love me the most sometimes don't even remember that it is the day that our society deems as your special day. And it wouldn't be so bad really, but people always ask the question I hate...what did he/she/they do for you? Or...what did you get? Or..where did you go? Or all of the afore mentioned questions. My mother seldom even remembers to call me...and I'm her first born! And it gets old having to answer "oh nothing, but that's ok". Because it's usually not ok. People give me that look that says they feel sorry for me and it leaves me wondering..why doesn't my family value me? Do they love me?

But enough of that whining! That's not why I'm writing this post. I'm writing it because I just have to tell you what my heavenly Father did for me today.

This morning I felt strong. I had resolved that it really was ok if my mom didn't call me (that's the thing that usually hurts most). I reminded myself that God has given me SO many other family members that do love me, mainly my sisters in Christ. I have several "moms" that make sure I'm taken care of. Most people only have one!

I had also decided that even if no one else was going to take care of me, then I would. If I wanted a pineapple upside down cake (my favorite cake in the world that my mom used to make), then I was just going to have to go home and make it myself. After all, I love to cook anyway. So I decided to make it a great day.

Then it happened. I was walking through the hall with my daughter and my friend Elsie saw us. She joked with us asking if we had hall passes and my daughter said that I didn't have to have a pass today because it's my birthday. Elsie, an incredibly amazing woman of God (and one of my "moms") excitedly told me happy birthday and gave me a big hug. Then she said "Oh! You should go get some of the cake that I made. It's in the teacher workroom. I don't know why I made it, just because... It's a pineapple upside down cake".

Thank you my heavenly daddy for remembering my birthday. Thank you for Elsie who you used as your instrument to make me a cake. It was sooooo yummy! Thank you for reminding me how much you love me. I love you too!!!

Editing to add...

If that had been it, it would have been amazing enough. Even though it really was going to be ok if my mom forgot my birthday, it still would've been better if she had remembered. And she did. Not only that, but when she called to wish me a happy birthday she said she needed to bring something over to my house. A few minutes later she showed up at my door with a warm out of the oven pineapple upside down cake (I honestly didn't not think she remembered that it was my favorite...and it was SO good!), a card and money to get myself a gift. I already thought I'd been blessed enough, but God chose to multiply my blessings. Our God truly is an AWESOME God!

Just another benefit of my measly paycheck...

I LOVE my job. It may not always seem like it considering some of my posts, but I really do. I always wanted to be a teacher, since I was very young. And while I know that I could've done it had I motivated myself to do so, for now anyway, I'm "just an aide". When I started this job last year, I had plans of eventually finishing college, getting my degree, and getting a "real" teaching job. But these days, more and more, I feel like I'm exactly where God wants me to be.

I am a special education inclusion aide. Inclusion kids are the ones who need a little extra help, but can still function, for the most part, in a regular education classroom. As an aide I fill in the gaps when the regular inclusion teacher can't be there. I am an extra person in the classroom while the main teacher teaches. And it doesn't really matter if I know the subject matter or not. In fact, last year I was learning (or re-learning) right along with the kids.

I travel from classroom to classroom all over the school, but mostly I work with 6th graders. However, if there is a need for a warm body somewhere else in the school, I'm one of the first ones they call to fill in there too...like doing the breaks for the person who works in ISS (in school suspension) or working in ISS all day like today. So I never really know for sure what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be doing it. And in a way, that's very cool. It's kind of like the job of being a child of God. I never know where the boss or the Big Boss will send me.

God has taught me more than I can even tell you since I've worked here. I've learned that I can make plans, but that doesn't mean my plans will actually come to fruition. I've learned about humility because I'm not the lead teacher and therefore don't get to make decisions about how a child is taught. I've learned that God can often use me in ways I never would have thought about. I've learned to focus on God and have peace even in some scary situations. "Ok, you'll be with the boy with the ankle bracelet today (police monitoring device) and don't touch him because he might haul off and hit you. Oh, and don't call him sweetie or dear or anything like that because that makes him angry too" (that's what I heard my very first day on the job). I've learned that when I worry that I'm not going to be able to do enough to help someone, it's not about what I can do. I've learned that it's about what God can do.

In the last 2 years I have been blessed beyond measure. By the grace of God, I have been able to show respect in the face of disrespect allowing me to calm down angry children. The Holy Spirit has led me to pray with and encourage teachers who are frustrated and overwhelmed. The love God has for me has inspired me to love and pray for children who can be the hardest to love. The joy that God has put into my heart has spilled out helping others to smile and feel better and earning me the nickname "Joy Fairy" by one of my students. I've experienced all of this and so much more as a result of where God has placed me.

My job doesn't pay much. It won't even cover my house payment. Thankfully, God has given my husband an income that will cover most of our bills. But it's like I say when the teachers talk about the mounds of papers to grade, paperwork required to be done by the school, and parent meetings...each of the things listed in the paragraph above are..."just another benefit of my measly paycheck".

ISS

Can't I just let them all (all 26!) go home early today since they've been so nice (yeah right...lol)?

NOT!

After almost 2 1/2 hours in this room, I am really glad this day is about over!

Germophobia

Germophobia: An apprehension concerning germs. Someone who has such a concerns is often referred to as a "germophobe" or "mysophobe". This phobia's concentration is on the destructive nature of germs, bacteria and other microbes.



That's the way it is defined on Germophobic.net (I hate putting a dot after dot net, so I am adding parentheses here). I just found out there is such a site..lol.



I haven't always been a germophobe. I think it's really only since I've worked in the school system that I have given myself that new label. Working with kids, particularly special ed. kids, can give you a whole new perspective on how germy your surroundings can be. I see the way kids cough or sneeze without covering their mouths and noses. I wonder sometimes if their parents ever taught them how to cover their faces, and then I remember my own 17 yr. old daughter who doesn't always do so.



This week has the germophobe in me especially aware though. Swine flu is all over the news. A school district that borders ours has shut down completely. And here I sit on potty patrol (thank you Lord this is the last day!!!) which means I occasionally have to go into the girls' restroom with the girls (to make sure they're not talking about the test). I usually won't step foot into the kids' restroom and this morning I had to go in to check on a girl who was coughing like crazy and telling me she feels horrible. Yes, I feel bad for her, but can you say ICK!?!



One of my co-workers has an allergy cough and I keep saying "get away from me swine flu!" I have my mini-can of Lysol and I'm afraid it may run out before the end of the day. I also have a large bottle of hand sanitizer, which is good because I heard that a CVS completely ran out of hand sanitizer yesterday. I know why!



I have a slight headache and I think my throat is getting scratchy...have I mentioned that I'm also a bit of a hypochondriac?

20 Questions..

1. Will someone please come rescue me from being on the potty patrol?

2. Will I get swine flu?

3. Was there really enough reason for the district close to us to shut down completely over swine flu?

4. Was that last question rambling and did it make sense?

5. Can these kids really handle another day of silently taking tests?

6. Will the hallways look as C.R.A.Z.Y. when we let them out today as they did yesterday?

7. Will teachers/students really come to school tomorrow if the news about swine flu gets any worse?

8. Will the style of boys wearing their pants sagging half off (or all off) their bottoms ever.go.away.????????

9. Should there be a period after the word "away" in that last sentence before the question mark and would it lose its emphasis if it weren't there?

10. Could my questions get any more random?

11. How many more hours are there till tomorrow at 4pm?

12. Will we all float away in the rain we're having now?

13. Should I get up and go into the restroom so that the 3 girls waiting can all go at once?

14. Was I nice enough that I did let the girls go, or are they still waiting?

15. Should I have had one more cup of coffee this morning?

16. Do teachers want summer vacation more than students?

17. Is there really another hour till lunch time?

18. Will they have real Dr. Pepper when lunches are delivered today, or just diet?

19. Is hand sanitizer enough after picking up that restroom pass that dropped on the floor just now?

20. Was this the most incredibly boring post ever?

This Week

~~It's the MOST wonderful time of the year!~~ It's that time of the year when teachers and children alike want to be at school the most! TAKS time! Woohoo! Love it!



And now for the truth...



UGHHHHH...I don't think there is a time that teachers or students in Texas dread more than TAKS time of the year. Ahhh, state mandated testing... Teachers are stressed, hoping and praying they taught the kids well enough for them to pass and kids hope they can remember well enough what they have been taught. Personally, I am really glad I don't have to be in a classroom when testing is happening as I've heard it can be very stressful.


I get to be a restroom monitor, which means I sit next to the restroom and make sure only one child goes in at a time to make sure they don't discuss the test. I'm on the potty patrol. And that's where I'll be for the rest of today, tomorrow, Thursday and Friday, all.day.long.


It's going to be a long, long week. But hey, at least there will be time for blogging!

Ughhhh...

I have so much I want to blog about, but the kids in ISS are being rather difficult.. Not much time for blogging for me today during work. Then I get to go see my son in a play tonight (super cool beans! can't wait!), so probably no time tonight either.

Check out part of my great news here though.