Sure not what I had planned...

I usually consider myself to be a fairly healthy person. Yes, I'm overweight, I have high blood pressure (did even when I was in MUCH better shape though), I have thyroid disease, and I have a really weird heart problem. Still, I have always thought of my self as healthy. I'm definitely a "glass half full" kinda girl, I guess.

Lately, even though I have an optimistic nature, I've begun to wonder...am I really a healthy person? I have been almost constantly sick since the beginning of the year. I had a stomach virus that lasted a week to start off the year. A couple of weeks later, I had the flu and that took me weeks before I really felt fully recovered. Then I had maybe two weeks where I felt good again. Then I started coughing Friday before last, but it seemed like I got over the worst of that pretty quickly. I never completely stopped coughing though, and now I'm coughing worse..like the hacking up a lung, rattling chest type of coughing. Ughhh...

I hate going to the doctor. And it's the weekend. And I don't know where there is a clinic open close to me. And my family is off camping all weekend. Still, I think I'm going to have to find a doctor somewhere.

This is so totally not how I wanted to start my spring break...

Updating to say that I did go to a clinic. They did blood work and said that I have a bacterial infection (respiratory), so I'm on antibiotics and cough medicine now. Glad I went, so that maybe I can get better soon and actually enjoy spring break. :)

Checking In

Just checking in to say I've missed blogland this week! I've been assisting with state testing all week long. Consequently, I haven't been doing my usual duty in ISS and haven't had time to blog. That's ok though, because in a little more than 24 hours, spring break starts!!!!! Till then... :)

Hurt

Why is it that I let certain things bring me down so fast? I can be feeling great in one moment, but then something relatively minor happens and I feel so depressed...especially when it comes to my mother.

I called my mother this evening, half out of obligation since it's been a while. I only got to talk to her for a couple of minutes before K called. K really needed to talk to me about something, so I told mom I'd call her back in a few minutes. Fifteen minutes later I called mom back (and after the talk with K, I really needed to talk to my mom) and I got the question "Don't you watch American Idol?" I told her yes...she laughed this weird laugh she does sometimes (maybe because she knows it's not right what she's doing?) and we got off the phone. The thing I don't get is that she had to have noticed the frustration (and the big sigh) in my voice when I called back. So why isn't it important enough to her to find out why? Why is American Idol more important?

I was reading a book today by Max Lucado called The Great House of God. In it, he talks about our redemption and adoption as children of God, how much He cares for us. Like any adoptive parent, "God sought you, found you, signed the papers, and took you home". As I read the book, I smiled and my eyes teared up as I thought about how very thankful I am that I am God's child. And part of the reason that means so much to me is that I have struggled so much with things my earthly parents have done.

It hurts to be essentially told I'm not as important as a television show. It's one of those times when I cling to God. I cling to scripture. I cling to the words of Christian authors. I cling to music and lyrics of people who understand how painful this world can be. Then I am reminded that it won't always be this way.


There Will Be a Day
Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always
will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing

(Chorus)

Romans 8:18 (New International Version)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Amazing - Day 5

It's amazing what the Lord can do if you just let Him. Today is day five of the challenge I have been working on, to get up and spend quiet time with God daily. I guess I shouldn't be shocked (but of course, I am) that I'm beginning to feel differently. My thinking seems different. My mood is different. I feel closer to my Lord.

It was such a drudgery (ooh, hate to even use that word, but it's true) to get up, to focus, to do what I knew I needed to be doing. But I forced myself (thank you Lord for the strength) to get out of the bed and read my Bible and pray and listen to the music that helps me to worship God.

I have decided to make it my goal to have my quiet time for 30 days straight. Again, hard to put that out here, but I know God will help me to do it.

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Day Three

Today was day three of my challenge to get up early to have some "God time". It was the hardest day so far, mostly because I'm struggling with something right now. And I was having a hard time this morning, focusing on God and not on the problem. Maybe that's why He led me to be doing this in the first place, because He knew I'd be struggling so much right now.

I have been getting something out of my time in the mornings though. For brief moments, I have been able to lift up my hands in worship while I sing and feel his presence. I have listened to music like Casting Crowns song "The Altar and the Door" and I can relate so much to the lyrics. I have read things, like Psalm 8 and really felt what the words say.

Thank you Lord for calling me to worship you.

A Challenge

Do you ever have those times when you want to take on a challenge, but you're afraid you will fail, so you just drop the idea? Jess, in taking on a challenge, has inspired me to challenge myself as well. The thought came to my mind yesterday that I should take on the challenge of actually spending quiet time with God every morning (I know, what a concept, right?). And the fear that I would fail came instantly with it, because I am sooooo not a morning person. Then I hear God whisper to me, all things are possible with Him...



Mark 10:27 (New International Version)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."



Still, as I type this, it makes me sick at my stomach because I don't want to fail. If I don't post this, I can just pretend that the thought never crossed my mind. I don't want to let Him down. Fear of failure. And then I remember that this fear is not of Him...



Romans 8:15 (New International Version)
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."



Father, please help me to be disciplined enough with myself that I will go to bed at a decent hour, so that I can wake up and spend time with you. You know how much I need that.

It's not about me.

Psalm 40:8 (New International Version)
"I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I went to church this morning. My church. I think it had been 5 weeks since I've been. A couple of weeks I missed because M had been in the hospital and a couple of weeks because of the flu. Then last week, I went to a different church because one of the kiddos I work with at school was baptized. So finally today I got to be where I know I belong, in spite of the fact I don't always feel like I belong.

The church I go to is very different from many churches. It's a "biker church". It's a place where a homeless person fresh off the street would feel comfortable (and has as I've seen with my own eyes). It's a place where you can feel comfortable if you just got out of prison. In fact, from what the pastor says, we have several members who have been in prison before (not that I know all their stories to know who they are). You don't have to worry if you have the "right" kind of clothes or hair or car. It's the kind of church where I imagine Jesus would have fit right in...a place where you truly can "come as you are". It is a church that often makes me think of these verses:

Matthew 9:9-13 (New International Version)
9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. 10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" 12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

There are so many things I love about my church, but honestly, I don't always feel comfortable there. I'm so totally not a biker (I'm not sure you could get me on a motorcycle). I've never been in trouble with the law. I've never been homeless (thank God). I usually fit in a little better with the college graduate crowd (even though I didn't go to college)...not that I really fit in there either. And this morning I was thinking again about the fact that I don't really feel like I fit in. I have friends at church, but not close friends. For some reason, I never really feel like I fit in anywhere. So sometimes I wonder if I should try out a new church...

This morning, our pastor preached an amazing message about love (1 Corinthians, chapter 13) and talked about how we should be loving the way Jesus does if we know Him. He talked about how Jesus kept on loving us in spite of the horrible way He was treated. Pastor talked about the way Jesus didn't react violently against others no matter what they did to him. All the way to the cross.

When the service was over, I heard a voice behind me say "Mrs. C!" I turned around to see a girl I know from the school where I work. She asked me where my daughter was (M was her math teacher last year) and I let her know that M usually goes to another church. Then she gave me a hug (I think I hugged her 3 times actually). I was so excited to see her there and the reason was that she's not someone I expected to see at church. She's a pretty troubled kid and she's had a rough time in school...enough so that she's had to spend a lot of time in alternative school. She has a habit of reacting, sometimes violently, to others when she feels like she's been mistreated.

After the girl walked away, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I thought about the fact that the message that was preached was one that couldn't have been better for her to hear. I thought about the fact that she most likely felt more comfortable there than she would've in some churches...at least I hoped so anyway. And I cried happy tears as I was reminded why this is my church.

When I walked out the door of the church, the girl was walking back in with a couple of friends. She said "bye Mrs. C, I love you!". I told her I loved her too. I pray that she heard something that will help her to give her life to Jesus. I also pray that I will see her there again next week.

I remembered how I had started out with a whiny attitude this morning because I felt like I didn't fit in. I had been complaining (if only in my head) about my own feelings. I had forgotten that it's not really about me. It's about Jesus and what I'm willing to do for Him. My fitting in doesn't matter nearly as much as being where He wants me to be.

I am so blessed to have been where He wanted me to be this morning. Thank you Lord.