I've been struggling lately, really struggling, but thanks to Jesus, Jess and a few other friends I'm posting this anyway. It is really difficult for me to post when I'm struggling. satan tells me that I shouldn't show that to the world and be such a downer. he tells me to hide this part of who I am. he laughs at me and mocks me during times like this. he is the one in my head who constantly belittles me. Like a mean spirited little child, he yells stupid! stupid! stupid! while I cower in fear inside my head. I don't know why I listen to him at times, but I do.
I have been fighting off panic attacks for the last few weeks. I haven't had a full blown panic attack yet and desperately hope I won't, but it's been an almost constant battle to keep from it. I know that God is here with me in a time like this, but it is so hard to feel his presence. I remind myself over and over, what I know to be true in an effort to stave off the chest pains and hyperventilation.
So how can I continue to say I live a victorious life in Christ when I am in a time like this? How can I say that I've gone "from fear to victory" when I let fear get r.i.g.h.t. u.p. i.n. m.y. f.a.c.e? Where is the change in me that proves the victorious life? There has been a change. That is what is so hard for me in a time like this. Admitting that I still let my fears get to me when I KNOW in my heart, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I do have a victorious life in Christ now. I want to tell myself I have been healed and that I no longer have fear as a companion!
Last night I went to the bible study at my church for the first time in a while. We are doing a Beth Moore study called God's Dwelling Place. In a video, Beth talked about how the people of Israel acted when God gave them manna to eat. She talked about how God only gave them enough for one day at a time (except for the day before the Sabbath) and how the people couldn't store the manna up to keep for later as it would rot. God wanted to show them that He would provide for them daily and that they should trust Him to do so.
Beth Moore also talked about how she felt that the people's actions in trying to store up manna for future days were rooted in pride and/or fear. The pride part was that they wanted to provide for themselves rather than trust God to do so and the fear part was that they wondered if God would provide daily and were afraid to trust Him to do so.
I know I'm dealing with fear issues right now, but didn't realize the pride part that has been a problem for me lately. Maybe the part of me who wants to believe I've been healed from fear is in actuality, prideful in that I want to say I'm better than that now. Shouldn't my relationship with Christ mean that I am healed in a way that means I never need fear again? Of course it does, but do I still feel the fear? Yup, still human!
Maybe the fear that is part of my struggle, like Jess' hands, could be healed with just a word from God. Then again, maybe it won't be healed right now because God has a purpose for this pain, for this fear. Maybe my fear is the common denominator between me and someone else that helps that someone else to understand how you can still feel the fear and yet do it God's way.
So I ask myself again, where is the change that proves the victorious life? I think the biggest change I've seen in the way I handle fear is that it seldom overtakes me in the same way that it used to. In the past, I would have run for the xanax (calming medicine, for those of you who don't know) so fast it would make your head spin. In the past, I would've had the full blown panic attack by now without it. In the past, I didn't know that peace that passes understanding. In the past, I didn't trust Jesus to get me through the fear.
I'm not saying that I will never end up having a full blown panic attack. I might. STILL human. I'm not saying that I won't end up running to the xanax occasionally. What I am saying is that whatever happens, I now know that Jesus will get me through it.
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7 years ago
