Trying...

I always have a tendency to clam up and not talk to anyone outside of close family members when I'm having a rough time. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I don't want to be a bummer. Problem is that shuts me off from contact with others, and that's something I desperately need right now. So, this isn't going to be one of those "Happy happy! Joy joy!" kinds of posts, sorry to say.

As long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety. My mother said I was fearful even as a very small child. Then, at one point, the anxiety took such control over me that I finally had to give up. That's when I learned what it meant to "let go and let God" as so many say. Letting go was the hardest, and the easiest thing I've ever done. And I am not sure if I could tell anyone else how to do it either, other than to say that you just have to truly give up on trying to do it on your own.

Now, I can't say that anxiety is gone from my life...IF only... But I can say that anxiety has far less control over me than it used to have. Even when my anxiety is high now, I can usually calm myself down easier, and it never seems to be as high as it used to be. Thank God!!!!

There's one major problem. When I came to grips with my old "friend" anxiety, that's when my new "friend" reared his ugly head. My new "friend" is depression. I guess I had known depression before, but for the last ten years or so, it's been prevalent in my life more often than not. I try hard to use the tools I know will help pull me out of the miry pit that pulls me down into it so often, but sometimes I just can't seem to get out.

The tools I use seem to be out of my grasp sometimes. One of them is just getting dressed and brushing my hair. Some others are exercise, sunlight, and talking to/helping other people. Certain things right now are making most of these even harder to do, not that any of them are easy for me to do anyway during times of depression.

The excessive heat we are currently experiencing here, combined with almost incessant hot flashes is making all of my usual tools more difficult to utilize. Going outside in this heat (100+ temps every day for 3 weeks, and no end in sight) sometimes makes me feel like I could literally pass out! And even with the air conditioner running full blast all day, exercising can lead to overheating fast.

I'm also unemployed, and can't even seem to get an interview. I apply online for any job that I think I might possibly be able to do, and I'd even consider a job in fast food at this point, if I thought I could stand on my feet all day. I'd apply for a call center job again, if I thought I could do that job without being pushed completely over the edge, and it might come to that point anyway if I can't find income somewhere.

So today, even though I was up way too late last night, I got up at a half decent hour. I got dressed, and I've done some dishes and laundry. I'm determined to make it a better day, Lord help me!