Trying...

I always have a tendency to clam up and not talk to anyone outside of close family members when I'm having a rough time. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I don't want to be a bummer. Problem is that shuts me off from contact with others, and that's something I desperately need right now. So, this isn't going to be one of those "Happy happy! Joy joy!" kinds of posts, sorry to say.

As long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety. My mother said I was fearful even as a very small child. Then, at one point, the anxiety took such control over me that I finally had to give up. That's when I learned what it meant to "let go and let God" as so many say. Letting go was the hardest, and the easiest thing I've ever done. And I am not sure if I could tell anyone else how to do it either, other than to say that you just have to truly give up on trying to do it on your own.

Now, I can't say that anxiety is gone from my life...IF only... But I can say that anxiety has far less control over me than it used to have. Even when my anxiety is high now, I can usually calm myself down easier, and it never seems to be as high as it used to be. Thank God!!!!

There's one major problem. When I came to grips with my old "friend" anxiety, that's when my new "friend" reared his ugly head. My new "friend" is depression. I guess I had known depression before, but for the last ten years or so, it's been prevalent in my life more often than not. I try hard to use the tools I know will help pull me out of the miry pit that pulls me down into it so often, but sometimes I just can't seem to get out.

The tools I use seem to be out of my grasp sometimes. One of them is just getting dressed and brushing my hair. Some others are exercise, sunlight, and talking to/helping other people. Certain things right now are making most of these even harder to do, not that any of them are easy for me to do anyway during times of depression.

The excessive heat we are currently experiencing here, combined with almost incessant hot flashes is making all of my usual tools more difficult to utilize. Going outside in this heat (100+ temps every day for 3 weeks, and no end in sight) sometimes makes me feel like I could literally pass out! And even with the air conditioner running full blast all day, exercising can lead to overheating fast.

I'm also unemployed, and can't even seem to get an interview. I apply online for any job that I think I might possibly be able to do, and I'd even consider a job in fast food at this point, if I thought I could stand on my feet all day. I'd apply for a call center job again, if I thought I could do that job without being pushed completely over the edge, and it might come to that point anyway if I can't find income somewhere.

So today, even though I was up way too late last night, I got up at a half decent hour. I got dressed, and I've done some dishes and laundry. I'm determined to make it a better day, Lord help me!

Just do it!

Philippians 4:13

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Today, exercising was HARD! I didn't want to do it, especially once I started. Sometimes it's the getting started, but today it was the keeping going. But I did it!

Yesterday, I got a big boost to keep going (and I needed it!) from my friend Melissa who said she started her day 1 yesterday of being healthier. It's great to know that someone else is in this with me, and it's nice to hear that my doing this is helping someone else to do it too. Praise God!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to post here! When I weighed on day 7, I was down 3 lbs! Woohoo!!

Suzanne :)

Dreaming

Isaiah 61:3

New International Version (NIV)

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Today is day seven of taking better care of me. I've been focusing on God, and praying more. I have a song in my head, instead of that awful voice I had before. I exercised six out of seven days, and have been eating less too. It's been a struggle at times, even fighting off bad feelings during church yesterday evening, but overall, a great week.

This morning I had a pleasant dream. That's unusual for me. I dreamed that I had a horse in my back yard, and I also had a garden. Right next to where the horse was, there were tomatoes growing, and there were several big, ripe tomatoes growing on a tomato plant that was partially submerged at the bottom of the plant in the mud.

So, I did a bit of my own dream analyzing. I've never had much contact with horses, but when I have, I feel a special connection for some reason. Horses seem to have a way of making me slow down my thinking and I feel peaceful around them.

Gardening is also something that seems to bring about peace in me, although this year I didn't get my garden planted quite soon enough. Plus, the heat here has been terrible. So, my plants aren't producing like they should, and the plants I wanted most to produce were the tomatoes. Sadly, I've had just a few cherry tomatoes, and I've had to keep buying the regular sized ones from the store.

I think that the horse represented God, and the tomato plant is the part of me that has been suppressed. I'm beginning to feel more alive and productive, thus the tomatoes on the vine coming up out of the mud, and the horse there representing the peace I feel from God about these changes in my life.

Thank you Lord, for your overwhelming presence in my life this week. Help me Lord, to stay my focus on you.

Suzanne :)

You're Beautiful!

You're beautiful! And don't let anyone tell you differently. I don't care if you weigh 500 pounds or 88 pounds. I don't care if the world says you're too fat or too thin. You are beautiful in God's eyes! He dearly loves you.

You're beautiful! I don't care if you believe it or not. It doesn't matter if you do your best to push people away, because you don't like who you are. It doesn't matter if you intentionally sabotage your life doing things you know you shouldn't do. God loves you if you are the best person who ever lived, or the worst. He doesn't care if you are the WORST of the worst. He still sent His Son to die for you.

You're beautiful! And there isn't anything you need to change about yourself before God loves you. Not a single thing. Even if you choose to do evil things, GOD sees through that to the person He made you to be. You don't have to change anything FIRST to make Him love you. All you have to do is to believe Him and let Him reign in your life. He will make the changes as He sees fit.

You're beautiful! Don't believe the lies you hear inside your head. That's all they are, lies. Choose to believe what God knows about you.

You're beautiful!

Day Five, Feelin' More Alive! So Long, Self!

Romans 6:11

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Well, I just finished my exercise for the day. I didn't have quite as much energy as yesterday, but the point is that I did it!

I realized something this morning. I'm feeling better about myself to the point that I'm not hearing that voice in my head that tells me I'm stupid. Yay! I'm praising God and beginning to listen to him again. I'm beginning to feel that peace within again.

I found out a couple of days ago that the job I thought I'd have beginning in August may not come through. So, I'm back to looking for a job. That could've been a big hit for me emotionally. I had it in my mind that I'd have income again soon. Now, that's unsure. Instead of that being a huge letdown, because I'm focusing on God, I actually feel like I have a job to do anyway.

My job is to let God shine through me. My job is to inspire others with the inspiration He gives me. Right now I may not seem like a huge inspiration to some. I'm 46 years old, in my second marriage, morbidly obese, and unemployed. But, God sees something in me. I can feel that! I've felt it for a long time. I just haven't always embraced what He has for me.

Letting go of self and allowing God to work in me is what it's about! Thank you Father for helping me to see that. Please Lord, continue to be strong in me so that I can be a motivator for others and help others to know You better.

So long, Self!

Letting Go of the Shame

Romans 8:1 (ESV)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I have a tendency to feel ashamed for things over which I had little or no control, and that's something that has to change. For one thing, I have felt ashamed about my weight, but I've realized that's not doing me ANY good. All that leads to is that I beat myself up, and then it's just a vicious circle.

Up until last week, I had never been to a water park, because I didn't want others to have to look at me in a swim suit. You know those skits you see on TV about some fat person, or the peopleofthatstore dot com pictures, the ones people like to make fun of? Well, I've been guilty in the past of making fun too, but that's just not right! I have no idea what the circumstances of that person are, and even if it were JUST that she has eaten herself into that size for no reason, that's her business. Who am I to judge? Why would others judge me? And, why do any of us consider that funny???

I would venture to say that in almost (if not all) cases where someone is morbidly obese (yes, that's me too), there are multiple reasons for it. For me, it's a combination of thyroid disease and emotional issues, among other possible reasons. It ends up being the case that I spend more and more time sitting at home in my recliner, because there are too many things I physically can't do. Well that has to end somewhere, and I don't want it ending for me at the end of my life. I want to live!

So, two times I've gone to a water park with my daughters and grandbaby. Thank you Lord for the courage to do that. Thank you for allowing me to "get over myself" enough to know that I could miss out on parts of my life I can't get back. I'm so thankful to have been able to see Em splashing around in the water, and thankful to have been able to hang out with my girls and some friends there too.

I'm also exercising every day now, and eating better. Today is day four!! And it really was easier than days two and three, and I know it will get easier still.

Next week if I make it to the water park, I plan to have someone take a picture of me. That's another way I'm choosing to live. I used to be so afraid of having my picture taken. I didn't want to see what I looked like, and I didn't think anyone else did either. Then I realized that typically when someone wants to take a picture of me, it's not for ME, it's for the people who love me. They want a record of the fact that I'm part of their lives. Why would I deny that?

Choosing to listen to God, who tells me I'm worth it, is part one. Part two is choosing to get up, exercise, and eat better. And part three is to continue getting out to do the things I can now do, until I continually am able to do more and more.

Thank you so much for my friends who have been encouraging me. Talking to you about it has given me the push I needed to keep going. I know it's only been four days, but that's about three days longer than I've been able to keep going in a very long time. Please ask me if I don't talk about exercising. The accountability helps so much!

Choosing to live,

Suzanne :)

Day Two, Into Day Three

Day two went well. I did my exercise and ate pretty well. I might've gone over my calorie count just a bit, but not by much. Exercise was painful! I will be really glad when it's not. I've been there before, so I know I can do it!

Today, I've already done my exercise again (it already didn't hurt as much!), and now I've got to get ready to go meet up with three wonderful ladies. We all used to work together, and I am so thankful that we've been able to keep in touch.

Later on today, I plan to try to put together a longer post. I've got so many things going on in my head right now that I'm having trouble deciding on what to write about next!

Have a wonderful day!

Suzanne :)

Day One of Taking Better Care of Me

Psalm 139:14

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

Over and over again, I go back to Psalm 139. It's so very special to me, because it reminds me that God knows better, who I am, than I do. He thinks I'm wonderful! So, why do I continue not to believe Him?

Why do I continue to beat myself up? Why do I tell myself I'm stupid? I'm really not sure, but even typing those words makes me feel bad about myself. I believe me, rather than believe God, when it comes to who I am. Well, just for today, I am CHOOSING to believe God, so that maybe tomorrow I can believe it for myself.

God reminds me of how intricate the workings of my body are. God reminds me of the capability to show love for others. God reminds me of the things I am good at doing. God reminds me that I am His child. God reminds me that I am wonderful.

So, I pray that God will help me to take better care of myself. Spiritually. Physically. Emotionally.

Just for today, I am choosing to exercise and hopefully that will inspire me to do it again tomorrow. I did 1 mile of Leslie Sansone's Walk DVD that I've had for years, because I know it's something I can do, even as out of shape as I am right now. Yay me! :)

Just for today,I will eat better and hopefully that will inspire me to do it again tomorrow. I plan to consume no more than 2000 calories, because that should be the amount that is needed to help me lose weight at my current weight with my height. I am 4'11" and weigh 246 lbs., morning weight, with no shoes on. I choose not to beat myself up for getting to that weight, but to do better now. Yay me! :)

One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Suzanne

New...Old...
Fresh...Stagnant...
Life...Death...
Hope...Despair...
Trust...Anxiety...
Feel...Suppress...
Good...Evil...
God...Satan...
Free...Trapped...
Save...Condemn...


Giving up the old, stagnant ways that lead to death through despair, anxiety, and suppression that is the evil of satan, who traps to condemn.

Accepting a NEW, FRESH LIFE giving HOPE to TRUST, through the ability to let oneself FEEL, a GOOD GOD who FREES through the SAVIOR.

A Time to Heal

Well, if there's anyone out there still following this blog, I'm sure you'll be shocked to see me here. It's a bit scary to be back. Quite a lot has happened in my life since I last blogged. Actually, that's an understatement...

When I last posted, I was an instructional aide for special education in middle school. I was also married, and very involved in the lives of all three of my children, including my grown child since I worked with her. I'm not sure I would've believed someone if they had told me just how different my life would be today.

I am now divorced (for all intents and purposes, over a year now..by law, only a few days ago). I work in a call center for a security company doing a job that is as un-fulfilling (most days anyway) as my job as an aide was fulfilling. My relationship with my kids is very different, since my younger two chose to stay living with their father when I left. I left because I didn't think there was any way for me to stay.

I'm sure I mentioned in my blog a few times how difficult my marriage was, but I also know that I minimized what I was going through because of my optimism that eventually things would get better, or I'd get better at dealing with it. I prayed so hard for God to change me if that was what was needed, to change him if that was it, and even to help me to keep living that way if that was His will...

I begged my ex-husband (hard to type that...) for years to go to counseling with me, so that we could figure out a way to make our marriage work. Once in a while, it would seem that I had convinced him to go...but then he would change his mind and decide not to go. When I finally felt like I'd rather die than stay in that place, I told him I just couldn't do it any more. I told him I'd be willing to go to counseling, but he'd have to be the one to set it up, since I believed that he would just back out again... I desperately hoped that he would be willing to seek help.

Two hours later, I sat across the room from him watching him begin the process of splitting our assets. He apparently had no desire to go to counseling. I didn't know what to say, what to do...

I don't remember if we told our kids that evening, or the next. I think it was that evening, but I guess that's something my memory is blocked about at the moment. We told the kids that we planned to remain "friends" (or something to that effect), and that we planned to try to make their lives as normal as possible...

I moved into an extra bedroom and started looking for a new job and new place to live. I didn't think it was possible to live on the income I had at the school. I found my current job a few weeks later, and a teacher friend rented me the home that used to belong to her parents. I moved out of our home two months after I'd made the "final decision". My life was changing in ways I never imagined possible.

During this last year and 3 months since I made the decision to leave my husband, I have lived on a roller coaster of emotions. I have battled serious bouts of depression and other health issues as well. The relationship I have with my children has changed drastically, as they didn't understand the reasons why I had to leave (partly because I had shielded them from the reasons in an attempt not to damage their relationship with their father).

One of the reasons I stopped blogging because I was afraid of rejection and judgment. I believe in my heart that I made the right decision, but since I didn't have the one reason to leave that could've possibly left me guilt free, I feared that I would've been ostracized from the blogging community I loved. Therefore, I chose to punish myself.

In the past, blogging had always helped me to heal. I hope that blogging again will bring about new healing as well.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

**Edited to add, life hasn't been all bad. Notice in the side bar, the new joy of my life, my grandbaby. :)