Amazing - Day 5

It's amazing what the Lord can do if you just let Him. Today is day five of the challenge I have been working on, to get up and spend quiet time with God daily. I guess I shouldn't be shocked (but of course, I am) that I'm beginning to feel differently. My thinking seems different. My mood is different. I feel closer to my Lord.

It was such a drudgery (ooh, hate to even use that word, but it's true) to get up, to focus, to do what I knew I needed to be doing. But I forced myself (thank you Lord for the strength) to get out of the bed and read my Bible and pray and listen to the music that helps me to worship God.

I have decided to make it my goal to have my quiet time for 30 days straight. Again, hard to put that out here, but I know God will help me to do it.

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Day Three

Today was day three of my challenge to get up early to have some "God time". It was the hardest day so far, mostly because I'm struggling with something right now. And I was having a hard time this morning, focusing on God and not on the problem. Maybe that's why He led me to be doing this in the first place, because He knew I'd be struggling so much right now.

I have been getting something out of my time in the mornings though. For brief moments, I have been able to lift up my hands in worship while I sing and feel his presence. I have listened to music like Casting Crowns song "The Altar and the Door" and I can relate so much to the lyrics. I have read things, like Psalm 8 and really felt what the words say.

Thank you Lord for calling me to worship you.

A Challenge

Do you ever have those times when you want to take on a challenge, but you're afraid you will fail, so you just drop the idea? Jess, in taking on a challenge, has inspired me to challenge myself as well. The thought came to my mind yesterday that I should take on the challenge of actually spending quiet time with God every morning (I know, what a concept, right?). And the fear that I would fail came instantly with it, because I am sooooo not a morning person. Then I hear God whisper to me, all things are possible with Him...



Mark 10:27 (New International Version)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."



Still, as I type this, it makes me sick at my stomach because I don't want to fail. If I don't post this, I can just pretend that the thought never crossed my mind. I don't want to let Him down. Fear of failure. And then I remember that this fear is not of Him...



Romans 8:15 (New International Version)
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."



Father, please help me to be disciplined enough with myself that I will go to bed at a decent hour, so that I can wake up and spend time with you. You know how much I need that.

It's not about me.

Psalm 40:8 (New International Version)
"I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I went to church this morning. My church. I think it had been 5 weeks since I've been. A couple of weeks I missed because M had been in the hospital and a couple of weeks because of the flu. Then last week, I went to a different church because one of the kiddos I work with at school was baptized. So finally today I got to be where I know I belong, in spite of the fact I don't always feel like I belong.

The church I go to is very different from many churches. It's a "biker church". It's a place where a homeless person fresh off the street would feel comfortable (and has as I've seen with my own eyes). It's a place where you can feel comfortable if you just got out of prison. In fact, from what the pastor says, we have several members who have been in prison before (not that I know all their stories to know who they are). You don't have to worry if you have the "right" kind of clothes or hair or car. It's the kind of church where I imagine Jesus would have fit right in...a place where you truly can "come as you are". It is a church that often makes me think of these verses:

Matthew 9:9-13 (New International Version)
9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. 10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" 12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

There are so many things I love about my church, but honestly, I don't always feel comfortable there. I'm so totally not a biker (I'm not sure you could get me on a motorcycle). I've never been in trouble with the law. I've never been homeless (thank God). I usually fit in a little better with the college graduate crowd (even though I didn't go to college)...not that I really fit in there either. And this morning I was thinking again about the fact that I don't really feel like I fit in. I have friends at church, but not close friends. For some reason, I never really feel like I fit in anywhere. So sometimes I wonder if I should try out a new church...

This morning, our pastor preached an amazing message about love (1 Corinthians, chapter 13) and talked about how we should be loving the way Jesus does if we know Him. He talked about how Jesus kept on loving us in spite of the horrible way He was treated. Pastor talked about the way Jesus didn't react violently against others no matter what they did to him. All the way to the cross.

When the service was over, I heard a voice behind me say "Mrs. C!" I turned around to see a girl I know from the school where I work. She asked me where my daughter was (M was her math teacher last year) and I let her know that M usually goes to another church. Then she gave me a hug (I think I hugged her 3 times actually). I was so excited to see her there and the reason was that she's not someone I expected to see at church. She's a pretty troubled kid and she's had a rough time in school...enough so that she's had to spend a lot of time in alternative school. She has a habit of reacting, sometimes violently, to others when she feels like she's been mistreated.

After the girl walked away, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I thought about the fact that the message that was preached was one that couldn't have been better for her to hear. I thought about the fact that she most likely felt more comfortable there than she would've in some churches...at least I hoped so anyway. And I cried happy tears as I was reminded why this is my church.

When I walked out the door of the church, the girl was walking back in with a couple of friends. She said "bye Mrs. C, I love you!". I told her I loved her too. I pray that she heard something that will help her to give her life to Jesus. I also pray that I will see her there again next week.

I remembered how I had started out with a whiny attitude this morning because I felt like I didn't fit in. I had been complaining (if only in my head) about my own feelings. I had forgotten that it's not really about me. It's about Jesus and what I'm willing to do for Him. My fitting in doesn't matter nearly as much as being where He wants me to be.

I am so blessed to have been where He wanted me to be this morning. Thank you Lord.

One of my all time favorite praise songs!

Randomness...

One of the kids at school pushed a button for me this morning. The kind where you feel the anger rising up in you. The kind where you may find yourself to be shaking afterward because of the adrenaline. I don't think I dis-respected her in how I spoke to her though...maybe a tiny bit. Whew...glad it's Friday...



How many times should I say "sit up", "wake up", or other such phrases out in ISS (as opposed to in the regular classroom setting) before giving an office referral?



I'm feeling more connected to God lately, and as a result I've been in a much better mood.



Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my hubby again. :)



Should I really clean house this weekend? Or spend more time resting?



Why is it that some people work so hard and never feel like they've done enough, while others barely work at all and seem to think they've done more than their share?



I wonder, which one of the aforementioned am I really?

It is absolutely beautiful today here in Dallas...why can't we move the desks outside and have school out there???? Whaaaa.

I really hope that I make a difference in the lives of some of the kids I work with...

I love my job, but wow, I am so glad it's FRIDAY!!!!! Thank you Lord for weekends!!

What is your greatest struggle?

2 Timothy 1:7 (New International Version)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Self-discipline. I don't even like hearing the words. My greatest struggle having to do with self-discipline, it seems, is in taking care of myself the way I know that I am supposed to do. I don't eat the way I should. I don't sleep the way I should. Just about every day I do something and I know I would've been better off had I not done it.


I almost never go to bed before 11:30. Then I'm tired the next day. I tell my kids that they won't be so tired if they will go to bed at a decent hour. It is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" things. However, last night I went to bed at 9:00pm. That is a victory for me! So, knowing that I feel better today, will I do the same tonight? We'll see...

Help me Lord to learn to have more self-discipline. Help me to show my children, that with Your help, this can be done.

What about you? What is your greatest struggle?

Facebook

Oh my goodness, it wasn't easy to convince me to even use it, but now I am so addicted to facebook! My kids kept telling me how great it was, and now I'm one of the many who agree. It's because of facebook that my children can no longer be guaranteed a home cooked meal (oh, the horror!).

Last night on facebook I talked to my favorite cousin (actually favoritest cousin in the world!). I talked to my sister-in-law, who I haven't spoken to in years. And I talked to my 2nd cousin, once removed (believe me, it took some serious thinking to figure that out).

Partially because of facebook, I now have pretty conclusive evidence that I am a descendant of the Waldensians, a Christian sect that was driven almost entirely out of France in the early years of protestantism. I've been able to figure this out because I have compiled information from a few sources. Between conversations, I also talked to my dad and he pulled out genaeology records, helping me to figure out my ancestors back to 1866! How fun is that!

I guess it's a good thing I'm in ISS right now (and the kids are being good right now! yeah!) or there would be no time left for blogging.

Ok, back to my regular job now. Have a great day!

Jesus, I want to be more like you...

I really do want to be more like Jesus. He is the ultimate respector of people. Jesus allows us to make our own decisions, bad or good, and then we suffer our own consequences. He's not the type to rant at us, the way we sometimes do with our children. He respects our free will in decisions to do whatever we decide to do.


I sit here in ISS (in school suspension) and I try so hard to be respectful, even in the face of disrespect. Some of these kids know nothing about respect. They don't know how to give it, nor what it is like to receive it much. On a good day, I remind myself of what their lives must be like. Most have parents that don't care and many of their teachers have for the most part, given up on them. So to respect them is the least I can do if I expect others to see Christ reflected in me.


I know that when I do something wrong, Jesus wouldn't be one to yell out "geez, what an idiot!" So I don't want to be a person who even thinks that, much less says it out loud. I know that my thoughts show on my face. Respect is what I am trying to teach these children, if nothing else. And wow, sometimes that is not easy...especially with kids who are constantly difficult. That's when I have to use prayer, a LOT of prayer.

Please Lord, help me to show more of You and less of me in how I treat all the people around me, not just the ones who are dealt with easily.

Calling Prayer Warriors

Please join me in praying for a student at the school where I work. She is a 6th grader and just told me she will be out most of this week because she has to testify against someone who has wronged her. I know what it's like to be wronged, but thankfully the only time I ever had to testify against someone was for something very minor. Even that was stressful though. I can't even imagine the stress of an 11 year old child having to testify in court like that...

Please also pray for two sweet brothers (one 6th grade, one 7th grade) who lost both a grandmother and their father within a 24 hour period. What a trial for their poor family!

What is my problem?

I just can't seem to figure it out. I used to have all these deep thoughts in my head (well, deep for me anyway...). I used to feel inspired to come here and write about what I was thinking. It seems like so long since I have felt that way.

Lately I just go through my day. Go to work. Come home and fix dinner. Watch t.v. Go to bed. Repeat.

I try to get myself to read scripture and I do read a little bit most days, but it feels forced. I'm doing it because I know I should. I don't get the WOW feeling I used to get.

Maybe part of it is that it has been so long since I felt really well. I had a stomach virus at the beginning of January and I don't think my body fully recovered by the time I came down with the flu at the end of January. I was off work for a whole week (all the time unable to go see M in the hospital), but I'm still coughing and my voice is gone. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel physically exhausted. I guess the exhaustion transfers to my mind as well.

Today I've been listening to worship songs on my ipod all day. Wishing I could really sing along with them. Trying to feel connected. Trying not to do too much work, even though my house is a wreck.

Even so, I am thankful that:

1. M is feeling much better.

2. The rest of my family is healthy.

3. Our financial situation is getting better.

4. D and I get to go hang out with our friends at bunco tonight.

5. My Ruby dog is cuddled up next to me in my recliner right now.

6. I have a job I love.

7. I have friends at work I love to talk to.

8. I have a home and a car and so much more than a great percentage of the world.

9. I have a nice computer.

10. I have an ipod with 330 songs on it (almost all praise and worship!)

Praising Him...

Suzanne :)