AVADIJ and Bureaucracy

John 3:4-6 (New International Version)
4"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"
5Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. 6Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.

I woke up this morning with a song in my head that talks about Jesus' conversation with Nicodemus and the song has been in my head all day, so that will be my final verse a day this June. :)

Now I have to make a phone call to get Rhonda Somebody's warrant references away from my car tags in county records since either someone mis-keyed something when entering Rhonda's info or since Rhonda or someone stole my car tag info, whatever the case may be. Please pray that they actually do remove this and that it's easy to get it done. Bureaucracy can be a pain in the you know what. Maybe we should all say a prayer for Rhonda Somebody too.

Later I have to go get my car tags renewed which means a fun trip to the DMV. Woohoo! LOL

AVADIJ

James 4:7-8 (New International Version)
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you.

Birthdays don't always go as planned...

AVADIJ

Romans 5:3-5 (New International Version)
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Yesterday was one of those days you wished you had tried to go back to bed and wake up to find things were different. No, nothing really horrible happened. Everyone is still healthy. It was just one of those days (or maybe weeks really) when all these little (and sometimes not so little) things kept happening that kind of get you down. Plus it was my husband's birthday.

First a little background information. My husband has a new job after having a job for 8 1/2 years that he hated. For 8 1/2 years he worked for people who seemingly had no direction or purpose for their company. It was just one bad decision after another, and all of that combined with the fact that they didn't give my husband a single raise during that long time period (after he'd taken a small pay cut to go work for them in the first place). Needless to say, we were thrilled when he got his new job a couple of months ago and had high hopes that good changes were ahead.

Well the new job didn't quite turn out to be what my husband had been told it would. He is making better money, but that came with working more hours...a LOT more hours. What was supposed to be a once a month or so phone call or page in the middle of the night turned out to be happening once every night or two. Plus his boss decided to let him handle a problem where he has to check on a computer job at 4am seven days a week. And even when he's been up sometimes hours and hours at night, he still has to work his regular hours. So hubby's not getting enough sleep...and he loves his sleep.

So take all this lack of sleep and dealing with not-so-nice new boss and add it to regular every day problems and you have a great recipe for grumpy daddy. Then you add a birthday which makes him feel OLD (he's only 43...). You may have heard the saying "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", well in our house it's generally daddy instead of mama.

Now we already know that daddy's not a very happy camper and we couldn't even get him to commit to what he wanted to do for his birthday...just a kind of pouty "I dunno". But I'm still determined to do something to make sure he has a good birthday.

Then I got up yesterday morning and looked out the back door. The pool water level was down...hmmm, that's interesting because I had added water the night before and the water level was a little high. That's odd. So I walked out and looked down into the pool...the pool my husband loves and the pool I had planned on spending his birthday evening leisurely floating around with him after a nice dinner with family. Well that's not what happened because the pool has a crack. It is a fiberglass in-ground pool and there is a big crack through which the water is flowing down into the ground at a rate of a couple of inches in pool depth every hour.

That was the last thing I wanted to tell my husband on his birthday, especially since his mood hadn't been great in the first place. AAAHHHHH!! I actually considered going back to bed in hopes that I would wake up to find it had been a bad dream. Then I spent half the day sick at my stomach over not wanting to tell him the bad news. Oh well, he took the news as well as could be expected.

So then when he got home he decided he wanted to go out for sushi. And on our way to dinner we see a cop in the rear view mirror. Then hubby asks me, "is your inspection expired?". "Umm yeah, it is". "Oh *!@^%". Then we see lights in the rear view mirror. Officer walks up to the window and asks for I.D. and current insurance (can't find current insurance). Then the officer asks us if we know Rhonda Somebody. Nope, never heard of her, but evidently a car with our description and tags has her name attached to it in some way and she has warrants out for her arrest.

Praise the Lord, the officer let us go with just a warning about the inspection and insurance after making sure that I wasn't Rhonda Somebody. By this time I was in tears and had told him that it was hubby's birthday and had been "one of those days"...

After all was said and done, we did have a very nice dinner with our adult daughter and her boyfriend (the guy who always makes people laugh). After the people at the sushi place found out it was hubby's b-day they made him a beautiful plate of sashimi where the fish looked like flowers (for free!). Then at the end of dinner they brought him out another beautiful dessert plate with green tea ice cream and a lot of fruit all with chocolate drizzled on it (again, for free!!). That was nice.

And today we are trying to figure out what we will do about the pool...

Great Video

I have seen this done before. Since I can't even draw a stick figure very well, it just amazes me!

A Verse a Day in June

AVADIJ

Revelation 21:21 (New International Version)
The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass.

Psalm 119 is AMAZING!

AVADIJ
Psalm 119:71
It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.

I was prompted to read psalm 119 this morning by Mel's blog. I haven't read psalm 119 all the way through in quite some time...maybe because it takes quite some time to read. It is after all, the longest chapter in the bible. And what a beautiful chapter it is! I could've found my "A Verse A Day In June" for every single day in that one psalm. So it was really hard to pick one, but this is the one I decided to pick because I truly feel it.

It was because of my affliction, my affliction being all the scars left on my heart from the things I'd been through, that did lead me to learn His decrees. I had to be in the lowest pit of my life before I could truly accept The Lord for all He is. It took my being broken to get me to the point that I could give up self and accept His will for my life. I now know that it truly was good for me to be afflicted and I thank Him for the scars.

My life was a constant struggle for so many years. I fought against sadness over who I could've been if I had not been through the things I've been through. I fought against anxiety because there was a part of me that was always asking what will happen next? What scars are coming? I fought against the fear of what could happen to my children. I fought against so many things, but the fact is that I don't have to fight anymore. Christ can take the struggle for me. He fights the battles for me if only I let Him.

Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of my former life. I begin to feel some of the anxiety that used to overwhelm me every day, but then Jesus reminds me of who I am in Him. He reminds me that he has given me that peace that passes understanding. He reminds me of the times when I have been so close to Him that there was truly NO place I'd rather be than right there in His loving arms. He reminds me that I need only to trust Him that ALL things work together for my good because I love Him and I have been called according to His purpose. And my former life is gone.

Thank You Lord. Praise You Lord!

AVADIJ

Matthew 19:14 (New International Version)
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

This video is of a little girl who was on America's Got Talent. She was amazing. I have sung with background music before and it's not as easy as it seems. This little girl nailed it...and she's 4! Maybe I'm not as good as I thought.... :)

AVADIJ

Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

On Wings Like Eagles

AVADIJ

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

This was the first verse that popped into my head today to be my "a verse a day in june" because I'm tired. I'm not overly exhausted, just being wimpy because I've been used to sleeping in since it's summer time...yes, the joys of working in the school district. However, today I had a teacher training day and while I'm not an actual teacher (I'm an aide), I still had to be there for the training all boring day long. Yes, there were some things that were interesting and might be helpful in the future, but mostly just boredom...lol.

I almost didn't pick the above verse, since it seems like one that you would use if you were feeling a little worse than I am. Then I went to biblegateway.com to search out a verse. I figured I'd search a little in my favorite places like Ephesians and Colossians and see what I could find. And then there it was, on the main web page..the biblegateway verse of the day..yup, the one above. So I figured that maybe that was the one I was meant to use today.

I think sometimes we wait to call on the Lord to renew our strength until we are completely sapped. Maybe we should be doing a little renewing on a regular basis (and for me that means every single day) so that we don't end up completely falling down first. I find that I desperately need that time of taking in His Word, even if that doesn't mean that I'm spending real quality "quiet time".

A prayer that I pray nearly every day is "Please Lord keep me from falling spiritually, emotionally or physically". Years ago, I fell (physically) a few times within a fairly short period of time. I am overweight and it's true what they say "the bigger you are, the harder you fall". I was also going through a time that I was falling emotionally and spiritually on a regular basis. Because of the physical falls, once or twice partially down my stairs at home, I began to be fearful that I would fall again. That is why I began to pray that prayer.

It just seems to me that when we are open to what the Lord wants to do in our lives He will use the big things, the small things, anything and everything to help us move toward the goals He has for us. He used my physical pain in what I consider to be an unusual way to help get me through my emotional and spiritual pain because whenever I would think about the possibility of another physical fall, I would say that prayer and get my focus in line to keep from other types of falls as well.

I learned that I need to focus on Him in all aspects of my life. I don't have to wait until I have that "quiet time". I understand that that is important, but I can also find other ways of keeping in touch with my Lord. I can keep in touch by reading the blogs of my Christian friends with the verses they choose and their perspectives about them. I can keep in touch by listening to praise and worship music. I can keep in touch by remembering to be thankful for all things. All of these help me to put my focus where it should always be, on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and they are the things that renew my strength so that I can soar!

Wow, I thought today's post was just going to be AVADIJ and might not have even posted at all today if not for the fact that I did make the commitment to put up a verse a day this month. Thank you again to Gretchen for the challenge. You have no idea how much it has helped me!

AVADIJ

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I just think this one is always a good verse for us to remember. Hope you all had a worry free day today...and if not, maybe tomorrow can be that way for you. God always makes that kind of day available to us. If we just give it all to Him, He will carry those worries. We just have to decide that we trust Him with all of it.

Yard Work, Ick!

AVADIJ
Proverbs 12:11 (New International Version) He who works his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment.

I'm not much for working the land myself, but my husband has been working so many hours lately that I felt I had to go out into the HEAT and help. There is a reason that the smart people here in Texas get up and do yard work first thing in the morning and don't wait until it's 90something degrees outside.

So my 14 yr. old son had helped his dad to mow the front and back yard. We don't actually have that much grassed yard because of the pool, so it doesn't take long. Hubby and I kept working and let our son go get ready to go somewhere a little while later. It is his two month-iversary of dating his little girlfriend and he wanted to go to the mall with her.

T had earned his chore money for the week...didn't do the greatest job but, hey I thought I'd be nice and give it to him anyway. His dad also owed him some money and that would come to $25. In my opinion, that should be plenty (ok, at least enough) to go hang out at the mall. I would've considered loaning him some extra money, but his track record on payback is not at all good.

T then he decided to have a fit because "you can't do anything with $25!!" (add whining and yelling and slamming things around). This ended up leading to him not getting to go at all and had to work with me in the yard instead.

Problem is that now I feel bad, because while he was working with me he got stung by a caterpillar. Evidently these things hurt. From what I can tell from searching the internet, this is an Io moth caterpillar. I guess I would say that they're kinda cute, but according to my son they hurt REALLY BAD. All of those spiky things have some kind of venom in them.

A few minute after I took this picture, the above caterpiller had a date with the executioner. T chopped him in half and said "let that be a lesson to the rest of them". That made him feel somewhat better...lol. He's sleeping now because of the benadryl I gave him and the finger that was stung looks pretty much normal, so he'll be fine. :::sigh:::

Thanks to S4J!!!

Verse a Day in June

AVADIJ

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Romans 12:9 (New International Version)

Someone from my church sent me this video that I think goes really well with the verse I picked for today. I hope you are as blessed by it as I was.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

I would just like to find out from S4J how she posts the videos directly to her blog.

My Story, Part Three

AVADIJ

2 Timothy 1:8-10 (New International Version)
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

Warning - This is another difficult read and is at least as hard for me to type as it might be for you to read, but I feel like there are women out there who need to know there is hope and recovery after sexual abuse.

As this is Part Three, you may want to start with Part One.

After I posted Part Two yesterday, I realized something I'd said and I think I should re-word part of it. I said at the end of the post that the "good girl" decided to just be the "bad girl". I'm not sure that's true. I don't think I ever meant to be the "bad girl" at all. I think I was just dealing with what I had been through in the best way I knew how, though people looking at me during that time period probably did see me as the "bad girl".

It's just still so confusing to me why a girl who has been sexually abused will typically act out in a sexual way. I have never quite figured that one out and believe me, I've searched for an answer. If you have any insight about that, I'd love for you to share it with me.

As I said before, I don't think I ever intentionally went into the kind of behavior that I engaged in during my teen years. I tried for many years to hold on to some semblance of purity for myself and for the man I would eventually marry. But then I never considered the fact that someone else would come and rip that away from me.

On July 4th of 1980, about a month and a half after I turned 15 I was raped. The man who did it was a complete stranger my parents had brought home from a drunken party. I didn't tell my parents because I felt like it was my fault. I tried to tell a few friends (if that is what you would call them) including my recent ex-boyfriend, but got no support at all. In fact, the ex-boyfriend insinuated that I deserved what I got. I didn't know what else to do, so I just tried to forget.

After that incident I lost my hope and began to act out in the way I had been taught, as a sexual thing. I don't think I felt valued in any other way, to be honest. Plus, I felt that I had lost everything worth saving anyway.

Through everything that had happened to me, I had prayed for God to make it stop. He never did and I wondered if he was even there. Around this time in my life, I memorized the Psalm 23 and found comfort in that somehow. I didn't understand it, but I tried.

Thankfully, soon after I found a steady boyfriend and dated him for a year and a half. It wasn't a great relationship at all, but when I was dating someone I was only with him, no one else. So even though it wasn't the best thing, it was probably better for me than what might've happened were I not with him.

Toward the end of my relationship with that steady boyfriend I met my best friend in high school, Dana. Dana was a freshman and I was a junior and we met in the school choir. She was the complete opposite of me in every way. She was so totally the goodie goodie type and would never think of doing the things I was doing in my life (which now included a large amount of alcohol and a little bit of drugs). We also looked funny walking around together too as she was almost 6 foot tall while I was a tiny 4 feet 11 inches. We were Mutt and Jeff with two totally different outlooks on life.

Dana had experienced some difficulties in her life too and maybe that's what drew us to each other. She was from a broken home and didn't have a whole lot of Christian guidance. Still, Dana was a strong Christian who prayed all the time, mostly for me I think..lol. She went to church and read her bible and encouraged me to do the same. She even gave me a bible with the verse Job 42:10 written in it (that would come to mean so much to me many years later).

I had accepted Christ and been baptized when I was 8 yrs. old, but since then I hadn't had much other contact with the church since my mother called herself an agnostic at the time and my dad was an atheist. Dana went to a couple of different churches while I knew her and I went to church with her. Then I ended up in situations that just made me question God more and made me feel lesser.

There was one time when I decided to re-dedicate myself to the Lord (or maybe to be "re-saved"...I'm not sure). Then I was told by someone in that church that if you didn't speak in tongues, then you weren't saved. I wanted so badly to begin speaking in tongues at that moment, but I wasn't going to start fake babbling as I suspected some were doing in that large room full of people. I felt totally defeated and thought that maybe God didn't want me.

Dana and I later tried another "church" that was a little strange. A group of people met in each other's homes and one of the odd things they would say was that my worrying was going to cause bad things to actually happen. I believed them and that made me worry even more. They also tried to get us to come up with money to give them. Neither of us had any money at all, nor did our families and the group became less interested with us. Around that time, Dana's mom figured out that we were involved in some type of cult. Dana didn't want to believe it and was totally heartbroken. I on the other hand, wasn't totally shocked that there were bad people in the world.

There were several times over my teen and young adult years that I was lured by different so called "christian churches" and I am thankful that the Lord spoke to me in a small quiet voice that said..that's not it...that's not what you're looking for... I am also thankful that the Lord sent Dana to pray for me and for my family. I know she prayed for my mom and dad too, even though she must've known they thought she was just one of those weird christians (my dad would mockingly call her "the virgin mary" behind her back).

Once I graduated high school and got married Dana and I stopped hanging out together, but I truly believe that her prayers for me then helped me to get to the place I am today.

More to come later.... :)

My Story, Part Two

AVADIJ

Psalm 4:4 (New International Version) In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah

WARNING -- This may be difficult for some to read.

To start with Part 1 of the Story, Click here.

I picked the verse of the day today because it was an eye opening experience for me a few years ago when I realized that anger is not a sin. The result of what you do with your anger may be a sin, but the anger itself is not. That's not what I was taught by my mother who grew up reading and studying her bible intently. She even had a five year pin for not missing sunday school a single time during a period of her teen years. So she thought she knew her bible pretty well. And after the way she reacted when I called and asked her if she knew that anger isn't a sin, I'm pretty sure she still thinks she's right.

I actually went to biblegateway.com to search for another verse, Ephesians 4:26 which says "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.., but then the verse I did pick popped up in the search and it seemed more fitting to the story because of the part that talks about being in bed, searching your heart. That's something that is very familiar to me because so much of what was done to me as a child was done in my own bed.

The part of the verse that is not as familiar is the part about being angry at all. That's because for years I felt no anger. I didn't allow myself to feel anger. I believed that anger was a sin and I was trying so hard to be a good little girl. I also wanted to be like my mother, who I thought was near perfect at the time. So I wasn't angry about any of the things that happened to me, not until I was well into adulthood.

I know now that I had plenty of reason to be angry, but it took me many years to come to grips with that. I was violated and things were taken from me that I believed could never be restored. The part of me that should have been saved for my future husband was made unclean.

I remember lying in my bed at night, holding my breath in an attempt to make my father believe I was asleep so that maybe he would leave me alone. Of course that never worked and he would do what he wanted to do, while I begged him not to. That being said, he had a way of making me believe that I was actually consenting by telling me he needed this and if I loved him, I would do it. At the time, I rationalized that this must be a normal part of growing up and that this must happen to all little girls. Why else would my father do this?

Later in my life I struggled to understand why I was who I was and why I felt things that I felt. My father's manipulation led to the misunderstanding on my part later, that since I had not physically fought him off, I had been guilty of allowing the acts perpetrated against me. As a result and in a way I still don't completely understand, the "good girl" decided to just be the "bad girl". After all, that's what men wanted from me anyway.

I really don't want to stop here, but I really need a break from this. So I must continue later. Just know that there really is a victory coming...

Click Here for Part Three

AVADIJ & A Little Bit About My Kids

Psalm 139:23-24 (New International Version)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is probably my favorite verse to actually pray. I pray this quite often. I have struggled with anxiety pretty much all my life and my anxiety has in part led me to some of the things that I know were offensive to the Lord. So I guess that is why these verses are so special to me. I think praying these verses has been so beneficial to me as the Lord has helped me to see that I can live free from the worries of this world. Still, I'm not perfect and so sometimes I let the fears take control again just a little bit, but with the help of my Savior I'm getting better and better at recognizing what matters and what doesn't. What matters is that I am a child of God, saved by His amazing grace and I may not win every battle, but the war has already been WON! Hallelujah!

My Kids--
Now, I'll change the subject to my kids. After reading HisGirl's post today I looked over the posts I have done so far and realized that I haven't really ever introduced my children. It seemed odd when I looked at it because my kids are such a huge part of who I am and what I do. I guess the reason I haven't talked about them much here is because I'm not sure how they would feel about me talking about them like this. So I will leave them somewhat anonymous for that reason. After all this is my story, not theirs and I think I should let them tell their own story.

M is my oldest and she will be 24 in July. It makes me shake my head just to type that because time just flies by so... She graduated from college with honors last year with a degree in education and started teaching 6th grade math. God knew what he was doing when he gave me my "easy child" first (Thank you Lord! I was only 19 when she was born!). She was the kind of baby you could take anywhere, because she didn't cry often. When she was a toddler, the age when most kids are into everything, she seldom was. She smiled all the time and was just the happiest baby. That compliant behavior stayed with her throughout school and most of her teachers adored her. Now that she is an adult, I really couldn't be more proud of her. She is such a hard worker and truly cares about people. She also has an incredible voice, plays piano and I think she could be the next American Idol.

K is my middle child and is 16. Since there are 8 years between her and her older sister, she kind of has traits that you see in both the middle child and the oldest child of a typical family. She has always been our most challenging child and if she'd been our first, I don't think I would've ever been able to convince my husband to have a 2nd child. She shares with her sister the tendency to be a "mothering type"to her friends and to her brother. Unlike her sister, she is not the compliant type. She is like me in that she wants to argue about EVERYTHING. My mother used to say that I "would argue with a fence post" and I know she's pleased that I get to know what that feels like from a mom's perspective. K is very intelligent and she loves to let us know that. One of our favorite phrases around the house is "just ask K". Her current GPA at school is 101.86, so maybe she does know everything...LOL. She is also very musically talented. She plays the flute in the band and has taught herself how to play electric and acoustic guitar, keyboard, and harmonica. She is a self-professed band nerd.

T is my baby, to which I know he would say "mom, you're such a nerd". He is 14 and loves it that he is quite a bit taller than I am now. He is our brilliant engineer who loves to take things apart. We currently have an old harmonica in many pieces as well as a disposable camera that I'm not sure we'll be able to have developed because he just has to see how things work. Usually it's the girls who tend to be more social, but not with our kids. T is the one who is always on the phone, cares the most about looking cool and his long blonde hair (which people tell him all the time makes him look like Leif Garrett back from his heart-throb days). Along with all that, he has beautiful blue eyes that the girls love to look at and he knows it. At the age of 12 he actually said "the only bad thing about being so cute and popular is that there are too many girls to choose from". At that, K and I made gagging noises...lol. T plays percussion in band and we all get to listen to the drum set at home.

There is so much more I could tell you about my children, but that's just a little bit about them. I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to raise them and try to instill in them what God wants for their lives.

AVADIJ

John 16:33 (New International Version)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Breakfast

Yes, that is a fresh batch of rice crispy treats...and yes, one is already missing. I try to be a patient person, but I can't even seem to wait for these to cool properly.

My kids are coming home from their mission trip today and I promise to save some for them. :)

Rest in Peace My Friend

Psalm 147:3 (New International Version)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Earlier this evening my friend Jeanette went to be with the Lord. I am sorry I didn't know you for a longer time and I will miss you...

In Need of Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I am generally an optimist, but this week I'm really down. I feel like I wasted the entire week. I had all this time that I could've talked to my husband without the kids around (and I really need to talk to him) and I had the entire week to be able to call someone about my daughter and I waited until Friday afternoon. Can you say procrastination!?! I didn't want to deal with my issues, so I just sat around stewing about them, feeling sick about them.

Well at least I did call someone about my daughter. The problem is that the problem I believe she has doesn't seem to be very easy to find information about. I'm pretty sure she has Asperger's Syndrome (a high functioning form of autism). I did a ton of internet searches and came up with only a couple of numbers, one of which had a voice recording that said welcome to whatever treatment center and then gave no way of talking to anyone unless you knew who you already wanted to contact. Then when I called another number and finally did talk to someone, the doctor himself answered the phone and told me there was a waiting list to see him, took my name and number and said hopefully he'd be back in touch in a few weeks. That was odd... So I joined their online support group...(sigh)...

I guess I really need to talk to my husband tonight and I'm not at all looking forward to that because at this point it feels like same story, different day...

Pretty sad, but I spent the last few weeks of work thinking I couldn't wait for summer and now I just wish I were back at work where I would have that to take my mind off of all that is at home.

FYI - the young woman who had the problems after having her baby is doing well enough she was sent home yesterday, so that is good news.

Help me Lord to find my comfort in You.

Let's Add Music

Colossians 3:16 (New International Version)

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

And on that note, I've added a playlist to my blog because I just do better when there is music around. :) Help me Lord to sing every day with gratitude in my heart!

Being Content

Philippians 4:12 (New International Version)

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

That verse is so special to me because I really do know what it is to be in need and I really do know what it is to have plenty. I know the secret of being content too. I believe that the ONLY way to truly be content is to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and to truly believe that God is in control of everything. Still, I'm human and I struggle like anyone. So I have to remind myself of these things when my anxiety begins to take hold of me.

Right now there are a lot of things going on in my life while at the same time not much is going on. I'm off work. My teenagers are out of town. It's quiet in my home. Also, someone I care about is coming to the end of her life. A twenty-something young woman I know is in the hospital with severe complications from pregnancy and it's possible she won't make it. I'm trying to force myself to call someone about a disability my 16 yr. old daughter may have (and we desperately need help with!). And I need to go register for college classes which brings up all kinds of feelings in me.

I guess the best thing to do is to make a list of the things I need to do, truly give up to God the things I can do nothing about, and just get on with my life. I also need to remind myself more just how very blessed I am to be where I am in my life. It is truly by grace.

Psalm 36:5 (New International Version)
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

That's my Verse of the Day because He is always faithful even when I sit around and pout. I was having a hard time getting moving today because I'm really down about something my husband said to me the other day. It's been really weighing heavily on my mind, so much so that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything...just want to sit and be depressed. That's why I'm so thankful for bloggy goodness like HisGirl who writes things that inspire me (and SO many others I'm sure ) and make me remember what is important in my life.

That said, I'm going to go get my shower, put on some makeup and push myself out the door if for no other reason than to be able to say I didn't just sit here. I know there are those who don't have that option and I take it for granted. Thank you also to bloggy friend Sheryl who's always there to cheer me up when she's got plenty on her own plate.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Week of Rest

Week of rest...yeah right!

First my Verse of the Day.

Psalm 119:76-77
May Your unfailing love be my comfort. Let Your compassion come to me that I may live, for Your law is my delight.

It took a while to find a verse today and I can't believe I found it in the midst of a 16 year old playing guitar hero. AHHHHH!! It is really noisy where my computer is now (even though she does have the game turned down really low). I miss my laptop. I'm SO glad my kids are leaving for a mission trip tomorrow. I truly do love them so much, but teenagers are quite challenging. Ok, enough whining for me...

The verse above was on the back of a little card that says "Mom, your love has helped me to know what God's love is like." That may be the sweetest card I've received in my life. My oldest daughter who is an all grown up teacher is one of the most amazing people I know. I was reading another blog this morning where someone said her child was who she was in spite of the mothering she'd had and that's pretty much how I feel about my oldest. I was 19 when I had her and I've done the best I knew how, but it's by the grace of God that she is who she is.

So now I'm off to do laundry and help my kiddos get packed. Then the rest of the week I'll probably clean, but hey, at least it will stay pretty clean till they get back! Woohoo! :)

Frustrated...

Psalm 42:11 (New International Version)
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

This is one of my favorite verses and I thought about using it for the Verse a Day in June Challenge yesterday, but it's one I go to when I am feeling down. Yesterday I wasn't, but today I am. I'm really frustrated with my husband right now, yet I will continue to praise God, ask Him for His guidance and pray not to say the things I want to say sometimes.

Verse a Day in June...Better Late Than Never

Ok, I'm up for the challenge of a verse a day in June starting now. HisGirl offered up the challenge after someone else started it (the domino effect has begun!).

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I can't tell you how many times I've repeated that verse and His grace is always sufficient.

I'm enjoying my first day off from school. I only wish I had time to just lie around, but that's ok. The family and I went to the graduation of my best friend's youngest daughter who I've known since she was one. It is so unbelievable how fast they grow up! And now to head off to her graduation party!

School's Out!!

Wow! What a week this was! No one told me the last bit of school could be so crazy. It has just been one of those weeks that didn't seem to ever want to end.

I found out this week that I wouldn't get to bring home my laptop because I'm not a "professional teacher", just an aid. That means that I'm typing this on an old desktop computer (not nearly as comfy as sitting in my recliner, but I guess I'll survive). Plus I found out that next year the two ladies I work with and I will not have the little office (actually a closet off of a science room..no, I'm not kidding) that we had this year and the people in those positions had for many years. We were told that the space was needed for other things and the principal was not at all very nice about the way we were told (we found out after a teacher walked in and started putting his things there)...it was really upsetting. Then we were told that next year we could use the teacher break room/lunch room and just sit in there since the only time it was really used was at lunch time (wow, we weren't told to just go hang out in a bathroom stall...)

So I spent a couple of days this week feeling like I was being punished for something after working my rear end off all year long. I was really in shock at the way the principal treated me and my co-worker. It felt as though there was no appreciation whatsoever for how hard we work. Then when I was signing out after turning in keys and such, the principal gives me a hug and tells me she's really glad I'll be returning next year. This week in bizarro world!!

School's out for summer!!! Does anyone else hear Alice Cooper in your head?

The Joy Fairy a.k.a My Story

***WARNING***

This post has some things in it that may be hard for some to read.

I work with special ed. at a middle school and one of the sweet kids I work with told me the other day that she thinks I should be called the "joy fairy". I absolutely love that! How awesome it is to me that the joy of the Lord within me is evident to a child! When I stop and consider what I’ve been through in my life, it’s hard for even me to imagine how I could be filled with such joy. It wasn’t always like that for me…

Usually, when I tell my story I rattle it off like a laundry list. I think I do that as a way of disassociating from all of it. I also am seldom able to remember the whole list at once and my memories can be sketchy. I’m sure that is because it’s all a little overwhelming. Anyway, so here is the laundry list…

At around 5 years old my grandfather called me and my sister (she was about 3) into the restroom at his house and proceeded to expose himself to us.

At close to the same age, I watched as a 13 yr. old boy molested my sister. He was the son of the woman who ran our daycare center.

My own father began molesting me at around the age of 8 (at least that’s the age I first remember anything happening…I have a strong feeling there are a lot of things I don’t remember where that is concerned).

When I was 12 I ran away from home, the police found me and I told them about what my dad had done; from what I understand, there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute so within a couple of weeks things were status quo…this is actually one of the most traumatic of my life experiences because it made me feel like they didn’t believe me.

When I was 15 I was raped and over the next three years (until I was married) I found myself in several other situations where I was sexually assaulted; some would argue that I put myself into those situations.

When I was 17 my ex-boyfriend committed suicide on homecoming night of our senior year.

Also when I was 17 I was in a convenience store when a man walked in, pulled out a gun and told the checker and me to go lie face down on the floor in the back of the store; he then robbed the store and walked out (I’d heard before of a story where something similar had happened, only the robber shot those people in the back of the head).

I know there are several other things that could be added to the list since I don’t ever remember all of it at once, but I guess you get the point. I’ve seen some tough times in my life. As a result, for a long time fear completely ruled my life. I was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen and always trying to keep the bad things from happening.

In my mid-30s some other things occurred that again shook me and after so many years of trying to carry the load on my own, I finally got to the point where I just couldn’t do it any longer. That’s when I finally let my mind go quiet enough that I started to understand how God wanted me to live. And that’s when things began to change for me… (to be continued…)

You can find Part Two Here, and Part Three Here

End of the School Year...Almost

One more week! 5 more days (only 2 full and 2 half days with the kids there)! Woohoo! I cannot wait! School will be out and I've decided to take the first month of summer off to get some things done around the house and just take a break. I had planned on taking a class or two at a community college, but I've decided to wait until 2nd summer semester to do that. Then, hopefully I can get into the groove of going to school...and then working at the school and going to school myself too. Prayers needed for that!

This has been such a great and challenging year. It was my first year as an aide for special ed. and I was surprised at how rewarding it is for me. I always knew I loved working with kids, but I had no idea that special education could be for me till I just kinda fell into this job. There have definitely been really difficult times and I've experienced things that just blow me away, but I think this is where I'm supposed to be.

One thing my job has taught me is that I should be doing so much more. I've got a LONG way to go, but I think I need to be an actual teacher for these kids rather than just being an aide. That's why I'll need prayers. I'm going to have to get a plan together so that I can move toward a college degree and I will have to be diligent about it because I am 43 years old and I only have a whopping 4 credit hours. Still, I know that if this is what God wants me to do, it CAN be done!

So anyway, thought that I should get back to posting and hopefully I'll post nearly every day at least during my month off. :)