My Story, Part Two

AVADIJ

Psalm 4:4 (New International Version) In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah

WARNING -- This may be difficult for some to read.

To start with Part 1 of the Story, Click here.

I picked the verse of the day today because it was an eye opening experience for me a few years ago when I realized that anger is not a sin. The result of what you do with your anger may be a sin, but the anger itself is not. That's not what I was taught by my mother who grew up reading and studying her bible intently. She even had a five year pin for not missing sunday school a single time during a period of her teen years. So she thought she knew her bible pretty well. And after the way she reacted when I called and asked her if she knew that anger isn't a sin, I'm pretty sure she still thinks she's right.

I actually went to biblegateway.com to search for another verse, Ephesians 4:26 which says "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.., but then the verse I did pick popped up in the search and it seemed more fitting to the story because of the part that talks about being in bed, searching your heart. That's something that is very familiar to me because so much of what was done to me as a child was done in my own bed.

The part of the verse that is not as familiar is the part about being angry at all. That's because for years I felt no anger. I didn't allow myself to feel anger. I believed that anger was a sin and I was trying so hard to be a good little girl. I also wanted to be like my mother, who I thought was near perfect at the time. So I wasn't angry about any of the things that happened to me, not until I was well into adulthood.

I know now that I had plenty of reason to be angry, but it took me many years to come to grips with that. I was violated and things were taken from me that I believed could never be restored. The part of me that should have been saved for my future husband was made unclean.

I remember lying in my bed at night, holding my breath in an attempt to make my father believe I was asleep so that maybe he would leave me alone. Of course that never worked and he would do what he wanted to do, while I begged him not to. That being said, he had a way of making me believe that I was actually consenting by telling me he needed this and if I loved him, I would do it. At the time, I rationalized that this must be a normal part of growing up and that this must happen to all little girls. Why else would my father do this?

Later in my life I struggled to understand why I was who I was and why I felt things that I felt. My father's manipulation led to the misunderstanding on my part later, that since I had not physically fought him off, I had been guilty of allowing the acts perpetrated against me. As a result and in a way I still don't completely understand, the "good girl" decided to just be the "bad girl". After all, that's what men wanted from me anyway.

I really don't want to stop here, but I really need a break from this. So I must continue later. Just know that there really is a victory coming...

Click Here for Part Three