My Story, Part Three

AVADIJ

2 Timothy 1:8-10 (New International Version)
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

Warning - This is another difficult read and is at least as hard for me to type as it might be for you to read, but I feel like there are women out there who need to know there is hope and recovery after sexual abuse.

As this is Part Three, you may want to start with Part One.

After I posted Part Two yesterday, I realized something I'd said and I think I should re-word part of it. I said at the end of the post that the "good girl" decided to just be the "bad girl". I'm not sure that's true. I don't think I ever meant to be the "bad girl" at all. I think I was just dealing with what I had been through in the best way I knew how, though people looking at me during that time period probably did see me as the "bad girl".

It's just still so confusing to me why a girl who has been sexually abused will typically act out in a sexual way. I have never quite figured that one out and believe me, I've searched for an answer. If you have any insight about that, I'd love for you to share it with me.

As I said before, I don't think I ever intentionally went into the kind of behavior that I engaged in during my teen years. I tried for many years to hold on to some semblance of purity for myself and for the man I would eventually marry. But then I never considered the fact that someone else would come and rip that away from me.

On July 4th of 1980, about a month and a half after I turned 15 I was raped. The man who did it was a complete stranger my parents had brought home from a drunken party. I didn't tell my parents because I felt like it was my fault. I tried to tell a few friends (if that is what you would call them) including my recent ex-boyfriend, but got no support at all. In fact, the ex-boyfriend insinuated that I deserved what I got. I didn't know what else to do, so I just tried to forget.

After that incident I lost my hope and began to act out in the way I had been taught, as a sexual thing. I don't think I felt valued in any other way, to be honest. Plus, I felt that I had lost everything worth saving anyway.

Through everything that had happened to me, I had prayed for God to make it stop. He never did and I wondered if he was even there. Around this time in my life, I memorized the Psalm 23 and found comfort in that somehow. I didn't understand it, but I tried.

Thankfully, soon after I found a steady boyfriend and dated him for a year and a half. It wasn't a great relationship at all, but when I was dating someone I was only with him, no one else. So even though it wasn't the best thing, it was probably better for me than what might've happened were I not with him.

Toward the end of my relationship with that steady boyfriend I met my best friend in high school, Dana. Dana was a freshman and I was a junior and we met in the school choir. She was the complete opposite of me in every way. She was so totally the goodie goodie type and would never think of doing the things I was doing in my life (which now included a large amount of alcohol and a little bit of drugs). We also looked funny walking around together too as she was almost 6 foot tall while I was a tiny 4 feet 11 inches. We were Mutt and Jeff with two totally different outlooks on life.

Dana had experienced some difficulties in her life too and maybe that's what drew us to each other. She was from a broken home and didn't have a whole lot of Christian guidance. Still, Dana was a strong Christian who prayed all the time, mostly for me I think..lol. She went to church and read her bible and encouraged me to do the same. She even gave me a bible with the verse Job 42:10 written in it (that would come to mean so much to me many years later).

I had accepted Christ and been baptized when I was 8 yrs. old, but since then I hadn't had much other contact with the church since my mother called herself an agnostic at the time and my dad was an atheist. Dana went to a couple of different churches while I knew her and I went to church with her. Then I ended up in situations that just made me question God more and made me feel lesser.

There was one time when I decided to re-dedicate myself to the Lord (or maybe to be "re-saved"...I'm not sure). Then I was told by someone in that church that if you didn't speak in tongues, then you weren't saved. I wanted so badly to begin speaking in tongues at that moment, but I wasn't going to start fake babbling as I suspected some were doing in that large room full of people. I felt totally defeated and thought that maybe God didn't want me.

Dana and I later tried another "church" that was a little strange. A group of people met in each other's homes and one of the odd things they would say was that my worrying was going to cause bad things to actually happen. I believed them and that made me worry even more. They also tried to get us to come up with money to give them. Neither of us had any money at all, nor did our families and the group became less interested with us. Around that time, Dana's mom figured out that we were involved in some type of cult. Dana didn't want to believe it and was totally heartbroken. I on the other hand, wasn't totally shocked that there were bad people in the world.

There were several times over my teen and young adult years that I was lured by different so called "christian churches" and I am thankful that the Lord spoke to me in a small quiet voice that said..that's not it...that's not what you're looking for... I am also thankful that the Lord sent Dana to pray for me and for my family. I know she prayed for my mom and dad too, even though she must've known they thought she was just one of those weird christians (my dad would mockingly call her "the virgin mary" behind her back).

Once I graduated high school and got married Dana and I stopped hanging out together, but I truly believe that her prayers for me then helped me to get to the place I am today.

More to come later.... :)