More About My Mom

Matthew 19:26 (New International Version)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Today is the day I'm supposed to spend time with my mom. I don't really know how you're supposed to do that, "spend time with your mom", because the relationship I have with mine is so strange.

I don't remember having much of a relationship with my mom growing up. I just remember thinking she didn't like having kids much, even though she told us many times how we were all "wanted". From what she said, her mother had once told her that she was not "wanted", that she was an "accident". So my mother was bound and determined that she would never say such a thing to her children. Problem is that you can say it in so many other ways than just verbally.

I know my mother tried to be the best mom she could and I know things were not easy for her. She married my dad at the age of 18 and I was already on the way. She always said that if my grandmother had known she was pregnant before she was married, she'd have forced her to give me up. Mom told me over and over how even though she was pregnant before she was married, I was planned anyway, that she really wanted to have a baby at that time.

Within 3 1/2 years of the time I was born, there were 3 of us kids...me, my sister (18 mos. younger) and our little brother (about 2 yrs. younger than my sister). She didn't have any support in the way of her family. She once asked my grandmother if she would babysit and my grandmother said she would do it for the same amount of money one would pay a sitter. She had no sisters and her sisters-in-law were all living out of town.

Dad wasn't much help to my mom either. He was the type who'd rather be playing, hanging out with his buddies drinking, etc...and mom was the one who tried to hold things together, pay the bills and such. I know it was very difficult for my mom.

Later on in her life, I know my mom felt trapped. She grew tired of raising kids with a man who wanted to drink and party and spend every extra dime they had. And it must've been hard on her to find out that her husband was sexually abusing one of her kids. I say that it must've been hard, because she has never really talked about it much. She has told me though that the reason she didn't leave him when it happened is because she felt she had nowhere to go. So she tried to make the best of a bad situation, I guess.

Mom stayed with dad till her children were grown and then she met someone else and left him. She is now married to a man who would rather not have her children around at all. She lives five minutes away from me, but has almost nothing to do with me or my children. She works hard at a job she hates and drives an old junker of a car while her husband is a stay-at-home something who drives the decent car they have. Her husband has never had a job while they've been together (about 17 years) because he suffers from anxiety issues.

Anyway, I had thought that mom wanted to spend the day with me today, but last night she called and it sounds like it's more of just a lunch date that will be happening today. I suspect that is because her husband doesn't want her to be gone all day because he will be lonely. I'm disappointed to say the least...

I keep wanting to have a relationship with my mother and trying to do so, but sometimes it feels like it would just be so much easier just to let it go...and I wish it didn't hurt SO much.

All that being said, I remind myself of how God has helped me to get through this difficult life. I remind myself that a lot of my healing has come from learning to be the mom I wanted to have. One of the good things mom taught me was to try to do a better job parenting than she had done. I tell my kids the same thing.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that with You all things are possible and I ask for Your blessing on the time I spend with my mother today. Thank You Lord for your many blessings!