Time to Catch up! Oh, and some random thoughts...

Wow, right now I am doing my final duty in ISS for the year! Woohoo!

It has been quite a year and I couldn't have done it without God and prayers from His faithful servants. I honestly don't know how people can do certain jobs without guidance/peace/strength from the Holy Spirit. I definitely know that there is no way I could do my job without those things.

Last week was so incredibly difficult that I honestly wasn't sure I could force myself to come into work this week. I had kids cuss at me and disrespect me in ways that really taxed my spirit. There were two buses driving kids home from school that had windows shot out of them (and a little girl I've known her entire life had her head leaned against the bottom half of a window that had the top half shot out!). And Friday morning there was some sort of strong chemical odor in ISS that left me feeling dizzy/strange for quite a while...very scary (don't know if a kid did that or not). Needless to say, I am ready for summer!

So now I am looking forward to getting caught up on my bible study (makes me smile just to think about it), cleaning my house (doesn't make me smile quite as much), and generally having some fun time.

My youngest daughter is graduating high school on Saturday. I honestly haven't had time to fully process that in my mind, so at some point my friends/family may see me break down in tears at what that means.

My husband's paycheck is still being cut by 25% (I think I'd mentioned that before) and so we haven't been able to get K a graduation gift, or her birthday gift from April either. K isn't too happy about that. Of course, neither am I. D said he might have some extra on his paycheck today (crossing my fingers that I see a larger number in the bank account when I check it later today).

Next week things should be so much easier. Please God make it so...

God Made Me a Birthday Cake

God made me a birthday cake!! Could there be anything cooler?!?

Today is my birthday. Usually, I spend my day being sad because the people who are supposed to love me the most sometimes don't even remember that it is the day that our society deems as your special day. And it wouldn't be so bad really, but people always ask the question I hate...what did he/she/they do for you? Or...what did you get? Or..where did you go? Or all of the afore mentioned questions. My mother seldom even remembers to call me...and I'm her first born! And it gets old having to answer "oh nothing, but that's ok". Because it's usually not ok. People give me that look that says they feel sorry for me and it leaves me wondering..why doesn't my family value me? Do they love me?

But enough of that whining! That's not why I'm writing this post. I'm writing it because I just have to tell you what my heavenly Father did for me today.

This morning I felt strong. I had resolved that it really was ok if my mom didn't call me (that's the thing that usually hurts most). I reminded myself that God has given me SO many other family members that do love me, mainly my sisters in Christ. I have several "moms" that make sure I'm taken care of. Most people only have one!

I had also decided that even if no one else was going to take care of me, then I would. If I wanted a pineapple upside down cake (my favorite cake in the world that my mom used to make), then I was just going to have to go home and make it myself. After all, I love to cook anyway. So I decided to make it a great day.

Then it happened. I was walking through the hall with my daughter and my friend Elsie saw us. She joked with us asking if we had hall passes and my daughter said that I didn't have to have a pass today because it's my birthday. Elsie, an incredibly amazing woman of God (and one of my "moms") excitedly told me happy birthday and gave me a big hug. Then she said "Oh! You should go get some of the cake that I made. It's in the teacher workroom. I don't know why I made it, just because... It's a pineapple upside down cake".

Thank you my heavenly daddy for remembering my birthday. Thank you for Elsie who you used as your instrument to make me a cake. It was sooooo yummy! Thank you for reminding me how much you love me. I love you too!!!

Editing to add...

If that had been it, it would have been amazing enough. Even though it really was going to be ok if my mom forgot my birthday, it still would've been better if she had remembered. And she did. Not only that, but when she called to wish me a happy birthday she said she needed to bring something over to my house. A few minutes later she showed up at my door with a warm out of the oven pineapple upside down cake (I honestly didn't not think she remembered that it was my favorite...and it was SO good!), a card and money to get myself a gift. I already thought I'd been blessed enough, but God chose to multiply my blessings. Our God truly is an AWESOME God!

Just another benefit of my measly paycheck...

I LOVE my job. It may not always seem like it considering some of my posts, but I really do. I always wanted to be a teacher, since I was very young. And while I know that I could've done it had I motivated myself to do so, for now anyway, I'm "just an aide". When I started this job last year, I had plans of eventually finishing college, getting my degree, and getting a "real" teaching job. But these days, more and more, I feel like I'm exactly where God wants me to be.

I am a special education inclusion aide. Inclusion kids are the ones who need a little extra help, but can still function, for the most part, in a regular education classroom. As an aide I fill in the gaps when the regular inclusion teacher can't be there. I am an extra person in the classroom while the main teacher teaches. And it doesn't really matter if I know the subject matter or not. In fact, last year I was learning (or re-learning) right along with the kids.

I travel from classroom to classroom all over the school, but mostly I work with 6th graders. However, if there is a need for a warm body somewhere else in the school, I'm one of the first ones they call to fill in there too...like doing the breaks for the person who works in ISS (in school suspension) or working in ISS all day like today. So I never really know for sure what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be doing it. And in a way, that's very cool. It's kind of like the job of being a child of God. I never know where the boss or the Big Boss will send me.

God has taught me more than I can even tell you since I've worked here. I've learned that I can make plans, but that doesn't mean my plans will actually come to fruition. I've learned about humility because I'm not the lead teacher and therefore don't get to make decisions about how a child is taught. I've learned that God can often use me in ways I never would have thought about. I've learned to focus on God and have peace even in some scary situations. "Ok, you'll be with the boy with the ankle bracelet today (police monitoring device) and don't touch him because he might haul off and hit you. Oh, and don't call him sweetie or dear or anything like that because that makes him angry too" (that's what I heard my very first day on the job). I've learned that when I worry that I'm not going to be able to do enough to help someone, it's not about what I can do. I've learned that it's about what God can do.

In the last 2 years I have been blessed beyond measure. By the grace of God, I have been able to show respect in the face of disrespect allowing me to calm down angry children. The Holy Spirit has led me to pray with and encourage teachers who are frustrated and overwhelmed. The love God has for me has inspired me to love and pray for children who can be the hardest to love. The joy that God has put into my heart has spilled out helping others to smile and feel better and earning me the nickname "Joy Fairy" by one of my students. I've experienced all of this and so much more as a result of where God has placed me.

My job doesn't pay much. It won't even cover my house payment. Thankfully, God has given my husband an income that will cover most of our bills. But it's like I say when the teachers talk about the mounds of papers to grade, paperwork required to be done by the school, and parent meetings...each of the things listed in the paragraph above are..."just another benefit of my measly paycheck".

ISS

Can't I just let them all (all 26!) go home early today since they've been so nice (yeah right...lol)?

NOT!

After almost 2 1/2 hours in this room, I am really glad this day is about over!

Germophobia

Germophobia: An apprehension concerning germs. Someone who has such a concerns is often referred to as a "germophobe" or "mysophobe". This phobia's concentration is on the destructive nature of germs, bacteria and other microbes.



That's the way it is defined on Germophobic.net (I hate putting a dot after dot net, so I am adding parentheses here). I just found out there is such a site..lol.



I haven't always been a germophobe. I think it's really only since I've worked in the school system that I have given myself that new label. Working with kids, particularly special ed. kids, can give you a whole new perspective on how germy your surroundings can be. I see the way kids cough or sneeze without covering their mouths and noses. I wonder sometimes if their parents ever taught them how to cover their faces, and then I remember my own 17 yr. old daughter who doesn't always do so.



This week has the germophobe in me especially aware though. Swine flu is all over the news. A school district that borders ours has shut down completely. And here I sit on potty patrol (thank you Lord this is the last day!!!) which means I occasionally have to go into the girls' restroom with the girls (to make sure they're not talking about the test). I usually won't step foot into the kids' restroom and this morning I had to go in to check on a girl who was coughing like crazy and telling me she feels horrible. Yes, I feel bad for her, but can you say ICK!?!



One of my co-workers has an allergy cough and I keep saying "get away from me swine flu!" I have my mini-can of Lysol and I'm afraid it may run out before the end of the day. I also have a large bottle of hand sanitizer, which is good because I heard that a CVS completely ran out of hand sanitizer yesterday. I know why!



I have a slight headache and I think my throat is getting scratchy...have I mentioned that I'm also a bit of a hypochondriac?

20 Questions..

1. Will someone please come rescue me from being on the potty patrol?

2. Will I get swine flu?

3. Was there really enough reason for the district close to us to shut down completely over swine flu?

4. Was that last question rambling and did it make sense?

5. Can these kids really handle another day of silently taking tests?

6. Will the hallways look as C.R.A.Z.Y. when we let them out today as they did yesterday?

7. Will teachers/students really come to school tomorrow if the news about swine flu gets any worse?

8. Will the style of boys wearing their pants sagging half off (or all off) their bottoms ever.go.away.????????

9. Should there be a period after the word "away" in that last sentence before the question mark and would it lose its emphasis if it weren't there?

10. Could my questions get any more random?

11. How many more hours are there till tomorrow at 4pm?

12. Will we all float away in the rain we're having now?

13. Should I get up and go into the restroom so that the 3 girls waiting can all go at once?

14. Was I nice enough that I did let the girls go, or are they still waiting?

15. Should I have had one more cup of coffee this morning?

16. Do teachers want summer vacation more than students?

17. Is there really another hour till lunch time?

18. Will they have real Dr. Pepper when lunches are delivered today, or just diet?

19. Is hand sanitizer enough after picking up that restroom pass that dropped on the floor just now?

20. Was this the most incredibly boring post ever?

This Week

~~It's the MOST wonderful time of the year!~~ It's that time of the year when teachers and children alike want to be at school the most! TAKS time! Woohoo! Love it!



And now for the truth...



UGHHHHH...I don't think there is a time that teachers or students in Texas dread more than TAKS time of the year. Ahhh, state mandated testing... Teachers are stressed, hoping and praying they taught the kids well enough for them to pass and kids hope they can remember well enough what they have been taught. Personally, I am really glad I don't have to be in a classroom when testing is happening as I've heard it can be very stressful.


I get to be a restroom monitor, which means I sit next to the restroom and make sure only one child goes in at a time to make sure they don't discuss the test. I'm on the potty patrol. And that's where I'll be for the rest of today, tomorrow, Thursday and Friday, all.day.long.


It's going to be a long, long week. But hey, at least there will be time for blogging!

Ughhhh...

I have so much I want to blog about, but the kids in ISS are being rather difficult.. Not much time for blogging for me today during work. Then I get to go see my son in a play tonight (super cool beans! can't wait!), so probably no time tonight either.

Check out part of my great news here though.

Lately...

I just can't seem to get a post done. It's not like I don't have a thousand things going on I could write about. I certainly do! My husband's job has been uncertain after we finally thought he'd found something really stable that he really like doing...bummer! I've had several things happen at school, including a B.I.G. "God moment" with a student last week. Every time I start to write, I can't seem to get anything finished. Not sure what's going on with me...

Part of the problem is that we're getting down to the last weeks of school and I am SO very tired. I can't wait for summer! I will miss the kids terribly, but I am ready for a break from them.

Please join me in praying for these kids today, especially for two of them who have been on my heart lately (God knows who they are!).

5 Things I Love About Spring!

Thought I'd join in with my list after reading Gretchen's the other day.

1. Easter! It wasn't always my favorite holiday. My favorite used to be Christmas. Then about 6 years ago, it dawned on me what "He is risen!" really means. Jesus Christ suffered and died to pay the debt of every sin ever committed, then 3 days later he rose again. And because He chose to do so, we all have an opportunity to spend eternity in heaven.

2. The colors. I love seeing all the colors of spring. Deep purple irises with yellow centers (my favorite flower since I can remember, as far back as 1st grade). The candies, even if I don't eat them, they are still so pretty to look at. The backgrounds for blogs. New green leaves on trees. Yellow baby chicks. I could go on and on...

3. The weather. We usually have an early spring in Texas; it's one of the things I love about my home state. I love, love, love (or maybe that should be lurve) sitting on my back porch drinking coffee early in the morning on a spring day. I even like the thunderstorms that come in Spring, as long as I'm in the safety of my home to watch them.

4. Longer days! The only thing I don't like is the hour of sleep I lose when we "spring forward". I love it that there is still sunshine even after we've eaten dinner. That's when my hubby and I love to sit out on our back porch and talk and enjoy a cool breeze.

5. A sense of renewal. Springtime makes me feel like I can have a fresh start, so much more than New Year's does. When I see the grass growing again and the trees with new leaves, it inspires me to get started again on the things that have become stagnant in my life. Rains come and then the sun shines, nurturing new plants and in turn, nurturing my soul.

Yes, Spring is by far my favorite season!

Exciting News!

After over a month of keeping my mouth shut (who knew I could do that?) about the fact that I knew my oldest daughter's boyfriend E was going to propose to her, it has finally happened. E had invited my husband and me to dinner to ask us our blessing back in February. Then Saturday night, at a small concert with quite a few of their friends, E totally shocked M when he had a song dedicated to her. He had planned ahead of time with the singer for him to change the name in a song called "Marry Me, Mary" to say M's name instead. How sweet is that??? I've told this story probably 20 times today and every time I get tears in my eyes. I'm thrilled at the prospect of having E be part of our family and also thrilled that my daughter is so happy.

Also this weekend, K had her senior pictures taken. We used a photographer who had been recommended by my best friend. She did such a great job, especially considering this is the child who simply doesn't understand why anyone would smile without a good reason. The photographer only has a small amount of the pictures online for viewing, but I've already seen one with K's real smile. I am so glad we chose this photographer!

Today was the first day back to work after Spring Break and I'm still not feeling great, but I'm getting there. By lunch time, I was really ready for a nap. So I figure I will crash the moment I get home, hopefully to get a nap in before dinner time.

Still trying to get better...

It's not like I haven't been trying to take care of myself. I've spent the majority of every day since Saturday either in the recliner or the bed. I've taken all my medicine like a good girl. I've been drinking plenty of fluids. I don't think I've ever slept so much during a week in my entire life. And I've done all of that while looking at all the mounds of laundry/dishes/dusting/etc. that I hoped to catch up on during my Spring "Break"....

After 3 1/2 days on antibiotics, I was getting worse. Fever, chills, more coughing, and my left lung hurt. So I hauled my sick self back to the doctor (this time to one of the doctors in the same group as my regular doc). He listened to my chest and said it didn't sound so good, so I went for x-rays. And the verdict is...... pneumonia. More yuck.

So I started on a stronger antibiotic, and a stronger cough medicine as of Wednesday afternoon. I think it's helping. I haven't had as much fever and I actually slept through time to take cough/pain meds this morning.

Maybe I will be just well enough to go to work Monday morning??? I'm going back to sleep...

Sure not what I had planned...

I usually consider myself to be a fairly healthy person. Yes, I'm overweight, I have high blood pressure (did even when I was in MUCH better shape though), I have thyroid disease, and I have a really weird heart problem. Still, I have always thought of my self as healthy. I'm definitely a "glass half full" kinda girl, I guess.

Lately, even though I have an optimistic nature, I've begun to wonder...am I really a healthy person? I have been almost constantly sick since the beginning of the year. I had a stomach virus that lasted a week to start off the year. A couple of weeks later, I had the flu and that took me weeks before I really felt fully recovered. Then I had maybe two weeks where I felt good again. Then I started coughing Friday before last, but it seemed like I got over the worst of that pretty quickly. I never completely stopped coughing though, and now I'm coughing worse..like the hacking up a lung, rattling chest type of coughing. Ughhh...

I hate going to the doctor. And it's the weekend. And I don't know where there is a clinic open close to me. And my family is off camping all weekend. Still, I think I'm going to have to find a doctor somewhere.

This is so totally not how I wanted to start my spring break...

Updating to say that I did go to a clinic. They did blood work and said that I have a bacterial infection (respiratory), so I'm on antibiotics and cough medicine now. Glad I went, so that maybe I can get better soon and actually enjoy spring break. :)

Checking In

Just checking in to say I've missed blogland this week! I've been assisting with state testing all week long. Consequently, I haven't been doing my usual duty in ISS and haven't had time to blog. That's ok though, because in a little more than 24 hours, spring break starts!!!!! Till then... :)

Hurt

Why is it that I let certain things bring me down so fast? I can be feeling great in one moment, but then something relatively minor happens and I feel so depressed...especially when it comes to my mother.

I called my mother this evening, half out of obligation since it's been a while. I only got to talk to her for a couple of minutes before K called. K really needed to talk to me about something, so I told mom I'd call her back in a few minutes. Fifteen minutes later I called mom back (and after the talk with K, I really needed to talk to my mom) and I got the question "Don't you watch American Idol?" I told her yes...she laughed this weird laugh she does sometimes (maybe because she knows it's not right what she's doing?) and we got off the phone. The thing I don't get is that she had to have noticed the frustration (and the big sigh) in my voice when I called back. So why isn't it important enough to her to find out why? Why is American Idol more important?

I was reading a book today by Max Lucado called The Great House of God. In it, he talks about our redemption and adoption as children of God, how much He cares for us. Like any adoptive parent, "God sought you, found you, signed the papers, and took you home". As I read the book, I smiled and my eyes teared up as I thought about how very thankful I am that I am God's child. And part of the reason that means so much to me is that I have struggled so much with things my earthly parents have done.

It hurts to be essentially told I'm not as important as a television show. It's one of those times when I cling to God. I cling to scripture. I cling to the words of Christian authors. I cling to music and lyrics of people who understand how painful this world can be. Then I am reminded that it won't always be this way.


There Will Be a Day
Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always
will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing

(Chorus)

Romans 8:18 (New International Version)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Amazing - Day 5

It's amazing what the Lord can do if you just let Him. Today is day five of the challenge I have been working on, to get up and spend quiet time with God daily. I guess I shouldn't be shocked (but of course, I am) that I'm beginning to feel differently. My thinking seems different. My mood is different. I feel closer to my Lord.

It was such a drudgery (ooh, hate to even use that word, but it's true) to get up, to focus, to do what I knew I needed to be doing. But I forced myself (thank you Lord for the strength) to get out of the bed and read my Bible and pray and listen to the music that helps me to worship God.

I have decided to make it my goal to have my quiet time for 30 days straight. Again, hard to put that out here, but I know God will help me to do it.

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Day Three

Today was day three of my challenge to get up early to have some "God time". It was the hardest day so far, mostly because I'm struggling with something right now. And I was having a hard time this morning, focusing on God and not on the problem. Maybe that's why He led me to be doing this in the first place, because He knew I'd be struggling so much right now.

I have been getting something out of my time in the mornings though. For brief moments, I have been able to lift up my hands in worship while I sing and feel his presence. I have listened to music like Casting Crowns song "The Altar and the Door" and I can relate so much to the lyrics. I have read things, like Psalm 8 and really felt what the words say.

Thank you Lord for calling me to worship you.

A Challenge

Do you ever have those times when you want to take on a challenge, but you're afraid you will fail, so you just drop the idea? Jess, in taking on a challenge, has inspired me to challenge myself as well. The thought came to my mind yesterday that I should take on the challenge of actually spending quiet time with God every morning (I know, what a concept, right?). And the fear that I would fail came instantly with it, because I am sooooo not a morning person. Then I hear God whisper to me, all things are possible with Him...



Mark 10:27 (New International Version)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."



Still, as I type this, it makes me sick at my stomach because I don't want to fail. If I don't post this, I can just pretend that the thought never crossed my mind. I don't want to let Him down. Fear of failure. And then I remember that this fear is not of Him...



Romans 8:15 (New International Version)
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."



Father, please help me to be disciplined enough with myself that I will go to bed at a decent hour, so that I can wake up and spend time with you. You know how much I need that.

It's not about me.

Psalm 40:8 (New International Version)
"I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I went to church this morning. My church. I think it had been 5 weeks since I've been. A couple of weeks I missed because M had been in the hospital and a couple of weeks because of the flu. Then last week, I went to a different church because one of the kiddos I work with at school was baptized. So finally today I got to be where I know I belong, in spite of the fact I don't always feel like I belong.

The church I go to is very different from many churches. It's a "biker church". It's a place where a homeless person fresh off the street would feel comfortable (and has as I've seen with my own eyes). It's a place where you can feel comfortable if you just got out of prison. In fact, from what the pastor says, we have several members who have been in prison before (not that I know all their stories to know who they are). You don't have to worry if you have the "right" kind of clothes or hair or car. It's the kind of church where I imagine Jesus would have fit right in...a place where you truly can "come as you are". It is a church that often makes me think of these verses:

Matthew 9:9-13 (New International Version)
9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. 10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" 12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

There are so many things I love about my church, but honestly, I don't always feel comfortable there. I'm so totally not a biker (I'm not sure you could get me on a motorcycle). I've never been in trouble with the law. I've never been homeless (thank God). I usually fit in a little better with the college graduate crowd (even though I didn't go to college)...not that I really fit in there either. And this morning I was thinking again about the fact that I don't really feel like I fit in. I have friends at church, but not close friends. For some reason, I never really feel like I fit in anywhere. So sometimes I wonder if I should try out a new church...

This morning, our pastor preached an amazing message about love (1 Corinthians, chapter 13) and talked about how we should be loving the way Jesus does if we know Him. He talked about how Jesus kept on loving us in spite of the horrible way He was treated. Pastor talked about the way Jesus didn't react violently against others no matter what they did to him. All the way to the cross.

When the service was over, I heard a voice behind me say "Mrs. C!" I turned around to see a girl I know from the school where I work. She asked me where my daughter was (M was her math teacher last year) and I let her know that M usually goes to another church. Then she gave me a hug (I think I hugged her 3 times actually). I was so excited to see her there and the reason was that she's not someone I expected to see at church. She's a pretty troubled kid and she's had a rough time in school...enough so that she's had to spend a lot of time in alternative school. She has a habit of reacting, sometimes violently, to others when she feels like she's been mistreated.

After the girl walked away, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I thought about the fact that the message that was preached was one that couldn't have been better for her to hear. I thought about the fact that she most likely felt more comfortable there than she would've in some churches...at least I hoped so anyway. And I cried happy tears as I was reminded why this is my church.

When I walked out the door of the church, the girl was walking back in with a couple of friends. She said "bye Mrs. C, I love you!". I told her I loved her too. I pray that she heard something that will help her to give her life to Jesus. I also pray that I will see her there again next week.

I remembered how I had started out with a whiny attitude this morning because I felt like I didn't fit in. I had been complaining (if only in my head) about my own feelings. I had forgotten that it's not really about me. It's about Jesus and what I'm willing to do for Him. My fitting in doesn't matter nearly as much as being where He wants me to be.

I am so blessed to have been where He wanted me to be this morning. Thank you Lord.

One of my all time favorite praise songs!

Randomness...

One of the kids at school pushed a button for me this morning. The kind where you feel the anger rising up in you. The kind where you may find yourself to be shaking afterward because of the adrenaline. I don't think I dis-respected her in how I spoke to her though...maybe a tiny bit. Whew...glad it's Friday...



How many times should I say "sit up", "wake up", or other such phrases out in ISS (as opposed to in the regular classroom setting) before giving an office referral?



I'm feeling more connected to God lately, and as a result I've been in a much better mood.



Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my hubby again. :)



Should I really clean house this weekend? Or spend more time resting?



Why is it that some people work so hard and never feel like they've done enough, while others barely work at all and seem to think they've done more than their share?



I wonder, which one of the aforementioned am I really?

It is absolutely beautiful today here in Dallas...why can't we move the desks outside and have school out there???? Whaaaa.

I really hope that I make a difference in the lives of some of the kids I work with...

I love my job, but wow, I am so glad it's FRIDAY!!!!! Thank you Lord for weekends!!

What is your greatest struggle?

2 Timothy 1:7 (New International Version)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Self-discipline. I don't even like hearing the words. My greatest struggle having to do with self-discipline, it seems, is in taking care of myself the way I know that I am supposed to do. I don't eat the way I should. I don't sleep the way I should. Just about every day I do something and I know I would've been better off had I not done it.


I almost never go to bed before 11:30. Then I'm tired the next day. I tell my kids that they won't be so tired if they will go to bed at a decent hour. It is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" things. However, last night I went to bed at 9:00pm. That is a victory for me! So, knowing that I feel better today, will I do the same tonight? We'll see...

Help me Lord to learn to have more self-discipline. Help me to show my children, that with Your help, this can be done.

What about you? What is your greatest struggle?

Facebook

Oh my goodness, it wasn't easy to convince me to even use it, but now I am so addicted to facebook! My kids kept telling me how great it was, and now I'm one of the many who agree. It's because of facebook that my children can no longer be guaranteed a home cooked meal (oh, the horror!).

Last night on facebook I talked to my favorite cousin (actually favoritest cousin in the world!). I talked to my sister-in-law, who I haven't spoken to in years. And I talked to my 2nd cousin, once removed (believe me, it took some serious thinking to figure that out).

Partially because of facebook, I now have pretty conclusive evidence that I am a descendant of the Waldensians, a Christian sect that was driven almost entirely out of France in the early years of protestantism. I've been able to figure this out because I have compiled information from a few sources. Between conversations, I also talked to my dad and he pulled out genaeology records, helping me to figure out my ancestors back to 1866! How fun is that!

I guess it's a good thing I'm in ISS right now (and the kids are being good right now! yeah!) or there would be no time left for blogging.

Ok, back to my regular job now. Have a great day!

Jesus, I want to be more like you...

I really do want to be more like Jesus. He is the ultimate respector of people. Jesus allows us to make our own decisions, bad or good, and then we suffer our own consequences. He's not the type to rant at us, the way we sometimes do with our children. He respects our free will in decisions to do whatever we decide to do.


I sit here in ISS (in school suspension) and I try so hard to be respectful, even in the face of disrespect. Some of these kids know nothing about respect. They don't know how to give it, nor what it is like to receive it much. On a good day, I remind myself of what their lives must be like. Most have parents that don't care and many of their teachers have for the most part, given up on them. So to respect them is the least I can do if I expect others to see Christ reflected in me.


I know that when I do something wrong, Jesus wouldn't be one to yell out "geez, what an idiot!" So I don't want to be a person who even thinks that, much less says it out loud. I know that my thoughts show on my face. Respect is what I am trying to teach these children, if nothing else. And wow, sometimes that is not easy...especially with kids who are constantly difficult. That's when I have to use prayer, a LOT of prayer.

Please Lord, help me to show more of You and less of me in how I treat all the people around me, not just the ones who are dealt with easily.

Calling Prayer Warriors

Please join me in praying for a student at the school where I work. She is a 6th grader and just told me she will be out most of this week because she has to testify against someone who has wronged her. I know what it's like to be wronged, but thankfully the only time I ever had to testify against someone was for something very minor. Even that was stressful though. I can't even imagine the stress of an 11 year old child having to testify in court like that...

Please also pray for two sweet brothers (one 6th grade, one 7th grade) who lost both a grandmother and their father within a 24 hour period. What a trial for their poor family!

What is my problem?

I just can't seem to figure it out. I used to have all these deep thoughts in my head (well, deep for me anyway...). I used to feel inspired to come here and write about what I was thinking. It seems like so long since I have felt that way.

Lately I just go through my day. Go to work. Come home and fix dinner. Watch t.v. Go to bed. Repeat.

I try to get myself to read scripture and I do read a little bit most days, but it feels forced. I'm doing it because I know I should. I don't get the WOW feeling I used to get.

Maybe part of it is that it has been so long since I felt really well. I had a stomach virus at the beginning of January and I don't think my body fully recovered by the time I came down with the flu at the end of January. I was off work for a whole week (all the time unable to go see M in the hospital), but I'm still coughing and my voice is gone. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel physically exhausted. I guess the exhaustion transfers to my mind as well.

Today I've been listening to worship songs on my ipod all day. Wishing I could really sing along with them. Trying to feel connected. Trying not to do too much work, even though my house is a wreck.

Even so, I am thankful that:

1. M is feeling much better.

2. The rest of my family is healthy.

3. Our financial situation is getting better.

4. D and I get to go hang out with our friends at bunco tonight.

5. My Ruby dog is cuddled up next to me in my recliner right now.

6. I have a job I love.

7. I have friends at work I love to talk to.

8. I have a home and a car and so much more than a great percentage of the world.

9. I have a nice computer.

10. I have an ipod with 330 songs on it (almost all praise and worship!)

Praising Him...

Suzanne :)

Praise be to God!

Thank you so much for all your prayers on our behalf. We appreciate them more than you know. M began to improve pretty quickly over the last couple of days, after a wait that seemed like forever. The newest medication they have her on seems to be doing its job and she was allowed to go home today!!! She will need to be on steroids for a month or so, plus the other medications to make sure she doesn't relapse, but it looks like things are under control. Thank God!!

M will have to watch what she eats. So I plan on making her some of her favorite chicken and dumplings this weekend (fits perfectly into what she's allowed to eat). She's been wanting me to make them for a while anyway.

The rest of us here at home have been working on recovering from the flu. I'm mostly well, but this stuff has me really exhausted even after a week. So I'm trying to take it easy. Hopefuly everyone else will be well in the next couple of days too.

Weary

Isaiah 40:29 (New International Version)
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Lord, I need your strength and power now. I am so weary.

M is still in the hospital. It's been and up and down kind of thing. One day things will seem somewhat better and the next day we'll be back to the previous step. Hopefully, what the doctors are giving her now will be the thing that works. They are saying if something doesn't work soon, they may have to do surgery to remove part of her colon. Please please help me in praying that that doesn't have to happen.

To complicate matters, I haven't been able to see M since last Saturday because I have had the flu. I had to miss Monday and Tuesday from work, plus yesterday was an ice day (so at least I didn't have to use another sick day). When I called her yesterday, she seemed pretty down in the dumps. It stinks that I wasn't there to give her a hug when she said cried saying she just wants to go home.

I am at work today, but I'm so weak. I have to go see M today after work. I can't go another day without seeing her. The rest of my family is home sick with the flu now, so I guess I will try to take care of them this evening as best I can...

Help me Lord to be stronger.

Scary Stuff

2 Thessalonians 1:3-5 (New International Version)
3We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. 4Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.


It's been a little scary this past week, but it seems like M is finally starting to make the turn-around to feeling better. Yesterday the doctors decided that she needed to have a blood transfusion (that'll make you a little nervous, I tell ya). She had still just been losing too much blood. They also started her on clear liquids to see how she reacted to them. She has done ok since then, so she's continued having things like broth and jello today. I talked to her this morning and she seems to have more energy.

A couple of days ago I reminded M that we never know why we're going through the things we do or how God may use them to witness to others. She seemed to know that already. She is such a beautiful witness in how she lives her life. I am so thankful to have her as my daughter.

M...

M has been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and started on medication for it last Thursday. By Sunday evening, she was feeling even worse than she had. She had not been able to keep anything in her system and was struggling to keep dehydrated. Finally, Sunday night she decided to go to the E.R. It seems that the medication they initially put her on isn't doing her any good (and may have actually made her somewhat worse), so she is now in the hospital.

The doctors tell us that this is something that can definitely be managed, but that it is going to take some time to get it under control. The estimate they have given us at this point is that she will be in the hospital for 5 to 7 days. Problem is, after nearly two days she is still not responding to what they're doing for her.

*Sigh*...I just want my baby to feel better...and soon.

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart...

Psalm 63:1-3 (New International Version)
1 O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. 3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

This has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember. Not only have things been difficult at work as it is testing week, but my oldest daughter who teaches where I work has been very sick. She's been having problems with her digestive system for quite a while. Now she is anemic and dehydrated and feels terrible. She has had to miss three days of work, and we're talking about someone who never takes a day off no matter how sick she's been in the past.

M finally had a procedure done to determine the problem on Wednesday and should know very soon exactly what the problem is, and she has been started on meds to help her get better. Still, after a week of medication, she's still not feeling better yet. Plus, I think she told me that she's lost seventeen pounds in the last month or so.

I think the very most difficult part of having children is when you have a sick child and you can't do anything to make them better except to give your support. I really do know that God is in control, and it seems that things will be ok (eventually), but right now it's just really tough to do this. I have been working so hard to just keep my focus on God, and it has been working. I know that I would be in a MUCH worse place without Him. So I sing my praises and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Please join me in praying for my daughter.

Praising Him in the valley, but hoping for a mountaintop soon!

UPDATING Saturday to say that I called M today and she seems to finally be feeling somewhat better. Thank you all so much for your prayers!

Brighter Days

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.



Thank you so much for the kind words and prayers after my last post. I can truly feel your prayers working. Thank you Jenn, for reminding me that we don't always see how we are affecting someone in the present for their future lives. I love having blog friends who care enough to lift me up when I am down. I hope I do the same for you.




I've been having a hard time keeping my focus on God lately. I'm not totally sure why that is. It feels as though I'm trying to see Him through a fog and I'm not sure what's holding me back. I know that He is there, thankfully. I remember a time when I didn't...it makes me shudder to think of that time in my life. I am beginning to get my focus back though. I woke up with a praise song in my head both yesterday and today. Hallelujah! That is actually one of the ways I can tell that I'm doing better.




Routine probably has something to do with why I've been struggling. When I'm off work, I have a tendency to stay up late and sleep late. Instead of planning things to do, I find myself getting bored. I also miss the routine of work, in general (and I miss the kids!). So I was happy to be back at work yesterday.




Another thing that seems to get me sidetracked is the absence of praise and worship music during the Christmas season. Music is the primary way that I hear the Lord speaking to me. And for some reason, Christmas music doesn't always do the same thing for me, even though it is a type of praise music. I miss terribly the music that speaks of our heartache and how God heals that heartache. I love Christmas music, but I'm so glad the radio is back to playing the music that speaks most to my heart. So I guess the Christmas season had me down the way it gets a lot of people down.



Now I'm looking forward to a new year. I kind of used my illness over the holiday to jump start me into eating better. I couldn't eat for a few days really, and once I was well my appetite wasn't as large. Since then I have been more motivated than I have been in a very long time to take better care of my body. That is a blessing in an of itself!



So things are definitely better and I'm very thankful. His grace is sufficient!

Writer's Block

I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't felt very inspired lately. I'm also tired of the way my life is right now. Tired of raising teenagers (and feeling like such a failure at times). Tired of not having the kind of relationship I want with my husband. Tired of not having the kind of relationship I want with The Lord...

The Christmas holiday went ok, except for the nasty stomach virus(that lasted about 4 days) that K, T, and I all got. I guess D tried to make up for the fact that he didn't acknowledge our 25th anniversary by getting me some nice things for Christmas (an ipod and an under-the-counter cd/radio for my kitchen that I've been putting on my list for 10 years). My kids got basically what they wanted for Christmas too.

I didn't feel like anyone in our family kept in mind what Christmas is really about. I hear about, and read about, those who do wonderful things for others and those whose children know they don't need another thing...that's not my family. My husband never talks about Christ to the kids (unless he feels prodded to do so) and I guess I fell down on the job in not continuing to do it myself this year.

I want (so badly that my heart aches) for my family to know God the way I do. I try really hard not to push it at them though. I know you can't force it. I try so hard to "let my light shine", but end up so often feeling like they're all just thinking "oh, that's just mom...".

My kids are making decisions and forming opinions that I don't think they would if they had the influence that comes from both parents teaching them to live godly lives. I see it especially in my son. Sons are obviously going to try to emulate their fathers. I want my son (and my daughters) to emulate their heavenly Father. I don't like the way my husband is teaching them. It breaks my heart.

I'm also so very frustrated in my marriage in other ways. I'm trying to hard to be the wife God wants me to be. I'm trying to keep letting God change me, not just asking God to change my husband. It's just so hard to keep going sometimes.

Praying that God will renew my strength and refresh my spirit...